We have been in an extended season of transition. Over the past twenty months we have gone from an active family of four (with two teens dictating our schedules and eating us out of house and home) to an empty nest. Just the two of us and the dog.

In that time I also changed jobs. For the past twenty years I have worked at home and been my own boss doing freelance and consultancy. Now I’m outside the home working for someone else. It’s a lot of change. And a lot of quiet. And way too much time to think.

No one ever stops being a parent. We know this, but it still feels like that “active season” of parenting ended abruptly and far too soon. There’s so much more I would have liked to have done! There’s so much I would do differently if I could. (No, I won’t quote Cher here, because that song will be stuck in all our heads for days.)

Scripture tells us to be anxious for nothing, to cast all our cares on God.
I’m trying.
It’s not easy.

The debrief of those twenty years sends my mind into a tailspin of regret and what-ifs and this-is-how-I’ve-ruined-my-children. I feel disproportionately responsible for their present and their futures and — How ridiculous is that? As if they are not autonomous and unique individuals? As if I have the power to override their choices and responsibilities and God’s influence in their lives. It’s silly, really. And yet I struggle with it.

In the midst of my persistent wrestling (and sleepless nights), I’ve started taking notes. Regrets are torture, but if they can teach us something, maybe they’re not entirely useless. Perhaps we can even make them fruitful.

So, what can I learn? How can I grow and actively lean into God’s grace more fully?

Lessons to learn from regrets

In the retrospect…

As I look backward, guilt and regret push me into dark and suffocating places. It’s not good and far from the abundant life Christ wants me to have! To break out of those loops and mental ruts, I need to (1) STOP the unhelpful thoughts and (2) create new habits for my thinking.

Here are a few of those new paths I want to consistently travel.

• Stop believing and repeating lies.
  
  What lies live rent-free in your head? For me, it’s that I’m a terrible mom. I’ve no idea why that thought is in my head, but it’s on repeat and it is not true. My kids had a happy, healthy, childhood, and they both still like me. That’s success! So that lie has got to go.
  
  Identify the lies you entertain and root them out! Let things that are true and right and good take up residence in their place.
  
• Refuse to judge past-self by the knowledge only present-self possesses. 
  
  Growing and learning is an excellent thing, and it’s a little arrogant to believe you knew everything back then. Give yourself a break and a healthy dose of grace.
  
• Focus on learning and growing rather than condemnation.
  
  Instead of condemning who you were, celebrate how far you’ve come. What can this regret teach me? How can I grow from it? What about this regret can I use to help others?

• Consider what else could be true.
  
  Maybe that decision wasn’t really bad. Maybe that choice brought protection. Maybe that path would have led you away from positive circumstances and opportunities you have now. Maybe that greener grass you envision on the other side of the fence is filled with ticks. Hindsight is not 20/20. You still don’t know everything.

• Give thanks and praise for all the ways God has proven good and faithful.
  
  Remembering all that God has done can bolster our faith for all he still may do. Make a list of answered prayers and past miracles. He’s not done yet.
  
• Life is not a test; it’s a journey. It’s not a blueprint; it’s an adventure to enjoy together!
  
  God desires that we would delight in him, that we would have joy everlasting. Jesus Christ already purchased your freedom. Stop trudging through life as if you have to prove your worth or earn something that’s already been given to us. Choose joy.

• This world is not our home and building a kingdom here distracts us from our true purpose.
  
  Whatever I’m regretting, was it for me and my comfort or for God’s Kingdom? How is this regret distracting me from more important things?
  
• Stop looking back. Start looking around and forward.
  
  If you’re still breathing, the story is not over yet. How can I make the most of where I am now? How can I make tomorrow what I want it to be?

In the decision-making moments…

The retrospective exercises are great for looking back and showing grace toward myself in the face of regrets, but what if I just make fewer regretful decisions in the first place? Here are a few things I want to remember when in the midst of making decisions.

• Avoid making decisions out of scarcity. 
  
  By ‘scarcity’ I mean pressure, but also the erroneous belief that “this is my only ________.” Fill in the blank: option, hope, chance, opportunity…whatever. Scarcity is a mindset that sees limits to God’s goodness and ability. It puts barriers around what he can do.
  
  Very few things require you to act immediately without thinking things through, and God always takes care of us.
  
• Sometimes faith requires us to take risks.
  
  We won’t always know the outcome ahead of time. Not all good decisions are safe. Some are kinda crazy, and that’s what makes them great.
  
  Another way to phrase this (and the point above): Refuse to let fear make your decisions for you. Be brave.

• Invite others into your thinking. 
  
  You’re not the first person to ever traverse this path. Find someone who may know more than you about the type of situation you’re facing. Or maybe just find someone who knows you really well and can speak truth and wisdom to you. Share your thoughts with them and welcome their insights, their assessments of whether or not you’re thinking straight.

• Ask more questions. Ask better questions.
  
  What is it you don’t know? What do you wish were the case and who might be able to help make that happen? What assumptions have you made that might not be right or might be incomplete?

Regrets are torture, but if they can teach us something, maybe they’re not entirely useless.

One last thing… God is always for us. He loves us. He wants what is best for us. Consider these passages:

• Romans 8 :26–39
• Matthew 7:7–11
• Matthew 6:25–34
• Philippians 4:4–8
• Psalm 91

It’s your turn!

What are ways you relieve anxiety, battle regrets, and keep your eyes on God during times of defeat?