Parenting – Tanya Dennis Books

Advent Tools (for those who already feel behind)

This week marks the beginning of Advent.

While I want to be the type of person who always thinks ahead and has detailed plans in place before they’re needed, I’m just not.

I used to be cool like that. When my kids were little, I had spreadsheets and lesson plans prepped for entire seasons. I knew where we were going and what we were doing every day of the week, sometimes the entire month. Of course, back then our whole world seemed under my control.

Now with two teenagers quickly growing toward autonomy, life looks different. I’m pulled in so many different directions, even big things like anniversaries and birthdays seem to sneak up on me. Part of me kinda hates it.

Anyone with me? Maybe your kids aren’t teens gently pulling away from your dictatorship. Maybe little ones under foot have zapped every ounce of mental energy you have. Maybe you’re just busy. Maybe life is really, really hard right now. Maybe 2020. It’s okay.

If you feel behind in this season, you’re not alone.

The bulk of my Christmas decor is still in my garage, and guess who remembered just last night that we threw away our Advent Candelabra during one of my purges of quarantine. (It was broken, and I intended to replace it, but … Well … Were you, too, among the hordes of people cleaning out their basements this summer?) So there I stood on Sunday night with two (not four) mismatched candles, scrounging for something to read, while one teen FaceTimed a friend about video games and the other ran off to play music in her room.

I reminisce fondly of those preschool days filled with themed art projects, field trips, and simple Bible lessons; meals and snacks coordinated to reinforce the season and the truths of life and God and wonder.

That was a great season! This season can be great, too.

It’s tempting to lament the loss of those uber-organized days, but the detailed plans were never the goal. The goal was to connect with my kids and lead our family in knowledge and growth. That goal hasn’t changed. The pursuit of that goal, however, may look a little different. It may be a bit less formal or controlled.

If you’re with me, here are a few tools that might help you toward that goal without requiring color-coded spreadsheets or too much advanced prep time.

Ready, set, tools!

Unwrapping the Names of Jesus

by Asheritah Ciuciu
Available in print, digital, or audio.
Find it here.

First, this book has a great deal of helps. You’ll find resources for why and how to celebrate Advent, lists of activities ready to roll, and some great material about names of Jesus. All good stuff.

Second, the book includes 28 daily readings and reflections, but it also has 5 easy-to-use scripts for once-weekly Advent celebrations. In other words, it tells you what Scripture to read, what questions to ask, and how to lead your family through the weeks of Advent. Voila! No prep. 🙂

Now, you could get this and read through it each day together as a family. You could just do the once-a-week devotion. You could encourage every family member (including teens/pre-teens) to read through it independently, then discuss it together as a group once or twice a week when you’re able.

The point: this tool gives you loads of flexibility! You can do as much or as little as you want, each bit helping you with that ultimate goal.

Touching Wonder

by John Blase
Available in print or digital.
Find it here.

This little book has almost become an annual read for me. It’s short — only twelve readings — and surprisingly powerful.

The author begins with Scripture: Luke 1–2, The Message. He then puts himself in the shoes of the characters, imagining what they might have felt or experienced. Then he adds a personal note of prayer and reflection.

This isn’t a theology book. It’s not an exegetical study. It’s an attempt to put flesh on a story that sometimes feels overplayed and too familiar. The purpose (as the subtitle says) is to recapture “the Awe of Christmas.”

I recommend this for personal use, reading with your spouse or good friends, or even with your teens. It’s going to go over the heads of little ones.

Before and After Christmas

by Debbie Trafton O’Neal
Available in print and digital.
Find it here.

I’ve given you one book that suits all ages, one for families with older kids (or no kids at all), and now this one. This is for families with littles.

Designed with full readings and activities to fill the days from Advent through Epiphany, this book offers more than 40 different ready-made opportunities to connect with your kids and with the season. Some are more involved than others; some are as simple as singing a song. Activities range from crafts to service opportunities. The format makes it easy to pick and choose which ones you want to do with your munchkins.

The point is: it’s ready to go! You don’t have to think about it, research it, or put it together. You grab the book, make sure you have supplies, and there you go.

Just so you know, most of the “supplies” you’ll need are probably already in your house: construction paper, tape, yarn or string, sticks from the backyard…stuff like that.

The Nativity Story

Available on DVD, digital purchase or rent.
Find it here.

Give purpose to your family movie night! Bible time doesn’t have to be a book or traditional worship time. It could be a film. This one is really well-done.

This dramatic re-telling of the Jesus’ birth may be a bit rough for younger kids, but it’s a beautiful, realistic portrait that could inspire some wonderful questions and conversations within your home.

If you have any Star Wars fans in your midst, you can always entice them with this trivia: Oscar Isaac plays Joseph. He’s the same actor who played Poe Dameron in The Force Awakens, and frankly, I think he does a tremendous job here.

Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

by C. S. Lewis

This isn’t explicitly Christmas or Advent, but it does touch on the subjects, and it is a beautiful way to engage your family in the wonder of the Gospel and the anticipation of His coming. This story speaks to the longing we have for salvation, the struggle we have in accepting and giving grace, and the lengths to which God will go to rescue us. I love this story so much!

The book is available in print, digital, and audio formats (find it here). You could read it together chapter by chapter or even listen to it while decorating the tree or baking cookies!

It’s also available for family movie night. If you have Disney+, you’ll find it included there. If you don’t, you can rent or purchase it online as a DVD or digital download (find it here).

BONUS: You could even snag a cookbook to make some Turkish Delight or other Narnian treat to enjoy while you watch. 🙂 The cookbook I have appears to be out of print, but I did find this other one that might prove worthwhile.

Remember why you’re doing this.

Whether you employ one of these tools or another of the many amazing resources available, remember your WHY.

It’s not about the schedule or even the tool. It’s not about the appearance or level of social media appeal. It’s about the connection and the focus.

Choose to celebrate the coming of Christ without stressing over what specifically is or isn’t done. He meets us where we are. He greets us with joy and hope and wonder. Let that be enough.
Are you the eggshell, the mine, or the foot?
My mama used to use a phrase: “walking on eggshells.” Do people still say this? Having moved around so much, I’m not always sure what is true vernacular and what is just my family or my generation. I may not know the origins or journey of the phrase, but we all knew what Mama meant. She meant one of us was being too sensitive, resulting in her needing to tread carefully. When she said it, she let us know she felt the environment was unstable, and that one wrong move could make someone (or some situation) fall to pieces.

A similar, though slightly more graphic phrase: walking through a minefield.

That time I almost stepped on a landmine…

In 1998 I moved to Bosnia as an intern with CrossWorld (UFM International, it was called back then). This was a church-planting mission built on the foundation of humanitarian aid and the practice of loving our neighbors. The war had ended just two years earlier, but evidence of it remained everywhere. You could see it not just in the pock-marked buildings or damaged infrastructure, but in the people as well. Reconstruction takes time. Governments, buildings, and property can be restored much quicker than human hearts and minds.

In some sections of the city or the surrounding countryside we would find mine tape. You know the yellow CAUTION tape law enforcement or construction workers might use? Picture that but with MINE written across it. Far more sinister than the seagulls of Finding Nemo, this marked property where they suspected landmines had been buried. They had not yet had the opportunity or resources to sweep the field. To make things a bit more dangerous, there wasn’t always enough tape to circle the suspected area.

I remember walking with a friend one day when she suddenly stopped. Thinking only of the photo I wanted to capture and how to position myself right to get it, I took five or six more steps up the hill before turning toward her.

“What’s wrong?”
“Mina.” The Bosnian word for landmine.

She needn’t say anything more. She stared in the direction I had walked, her feet cemented to their spot as fear filled her features. As awareness filled me, I slowly backed up, surrendering all cares about photography. We never walked that way again.

Parenting teenagers is hard. Some days we’re walking on eggshells and other days we’re traversing minefields. Some days, like this weekend, we’re doing both in a matter of hours.

Let’s be honest: this doesn’t apply only to parenting teenagers. We could say the same about raising toddlers. Or sustaining high-maintenance friendships. Or attempting a political discussion in any sector of America.

We could blame hormones or stress or social climate. We could blame education, communication skills, or even incomplete discipleship. I’m not a psychologist and, while I believe we often have very good explanations for what triggers us, I’m not interested in diving into those root causes today. Rather, I want to just talk about our reactions.

Believe it or not, we do have a choice in how we respond. We can decide to be the eggshell, the mine, or the foot.

The Eggshell

The eggshell is delicate, easily broken. This would be the person who gets crushed under pressure. If confronted or (seemingly) threatened, this person will crumble emotionally, likely internalize the situation, and deepen her insecurities. She’ll collapse on herself. She may become sharp, poking here and there in her pain, but mostly she allows the impact of whatever force comes against her to destroy her.

The Mine

The mine, like the eggshell, can be tremendously sensitive, but the effects go out rather than in. This person often seems fine on the surface. A lot can happen around him, and the ground may appear stable, but if you hit just the right spot with just the right pressure, he’ll explode. The reaction may end just as suddenly as it begins, but the damage goes far and wide, sometimes inadvertently setting off other nearby mines with their own spheres of destruction.

The Foot

You might think that the problem in all these situations is what’s underfoot. Maybe. Maybe not.

The eggshell is responsible for her reactions.
The mine is responsible for his reactions.
The foot is responsible for where it steps and how hard it stomps.

And all three can take some responsibility for clean-up.

So which one are you? And what will you do about it?
- Are you fragile to the point of having your personal worth damaged easily by the words and steps of others?
- Do you appear safe, but then explode at simple, but specific provocation, often hurting others around you?
- Are you careful about how you approach others? Do you stomp around like you own the world and everyone else can just deal with it?
You may be all three, choosing a primary mode in different seasons or situations.

Now, I don’t really like suggesting that we “ARE” any of these. It’s a metaphor. We are not defined by our reactions, but by who God says we are. This is just an exercise to evaluate the choices we make. Because we do have choices.

The point isn’t which metaphor fits best, but what we do about it.

“A gentle response turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”
Proverbs 15:3 (NET)

“Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself. Each of you should be concerned not only about your own interests, but about the interests of others as well.”
Philippians 2:3–4 (NET)

How might we apply these verses to situations that find us underfoot? What about situations we (unintentionally or purposefully) provoke?

We can opt for the gentle answer. We can give the benefit of doubt. We can employ words and compassion that deescalate or even diffuse a potentially volatile engagement.

We don’t always do these things, but WE CAN.

Good news: one reaction doesn’t need to destroy everything. We can prioritize healing, for ourselves and those around us. May we promote peace and communication. May we pursue understanding and unity.

Remember, unity doesn’t mean we must agree on all matters. It simply means we favor the relationship over the issue. It means we value the person more than winning the argument.

Let us exude grace with patience. Let us be known by our love for one another.