I wanted to write a post on Friday, but couldn’t. There were no words.
I wanted to pray all weekend, but felt fully inadequate. Every request seemed too small, too selfish, too limited.
I want God to keep my kids safe, but there’s no guarantee that He will. There is little point in revisiting my fear of unanswered prayers. If He did keep them safe, would it mean that He loves me more than those currently mourning? Of course not! And so while I can pray for safety, doing so feels futile. There’s no guarantee.
I want to pray for my own safety, that nothing will happen to me while I am separated from my family. It’s only an hour … or two … or six. Anything can happen. I don’t want anything to happen. I want to be in control. I want life to be stable and for me to be safe and my kids to be safe. But there’s no guarantee.
I want to pray for the families and their communities, but where can I start? It’s just so big. It feels too heavy, too painful.
We have family members in Newtown. One even works in that school district. I cannot begin to comprehend what they are thinking, what their days must be like. For the living life resumes tomorrow. They’ll try to get on with life, but I haven’t a clue how. How do you pretend to be normal after something like this?
I have many more questions than answers, but what I know is this:
We live in a dark world. This is nothing new. It has been this way since Eden. We just forget. We live our lives as if everything is normal, then when something like this happens we raise our hands, clutch our children and wonder why. Well, the answer to “why” is simple: This world is dark and decaying.
God is still bigger. Nothing is beyond His reach. Even this.
I don’t want to say trite things about purpose or divine plans. Some will speculate (some have already) that Friday’s events are a punishment from God. I simply cannot agree with that. It’s not a punishment, it’s a natural consequence of living in a cursed world. God didn’t cause the horrific events of last week.
He did not cause them, but He can redeem them.
And so, as the tears refuse to cease and the questions continue to ricochet, my prayers become an echoing chorus
Lord Jesus come quickly. Make yourself known. Comfort those who mourn. Keep all our families in the center of your hand. Help us all to trust you with all that we are. We know You are good. We know You love us. But it’s so hard to remember that when the hurt is so deep. Help us to trust You. Help us to seek you. Give us wisdom. Give us peace. Lord Jesus, come quickly.