Category Archives: humility
All my cares
I haven’t blogged much lately, and I’m sorry about that. It’s not that I haven’t had much to say; it’s just that what I have to say probably shouldn’t be published for all the world to see. What could be published, for some reason, won’t align itself in any cohesive manner within me. I’m left simply praying, “God help me.”
Within the past three weeks my grandmother died, my mom came for a visit (we only see each other twice a year since she lives and works 800 miles away), my daughter turned five (an emotionally-chaged age considering my family’s abusive history), my estranged father contacted me after ten years of silence (seemingly with the sole purpose of attacking and berating me), and I finished teaching a 5-month Bible study on Ruth. I am exhausted and I don’t know what to do with most of this, especially the situation with my dad.
“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your
anxiety on Him,because He cares for you.
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert your adversary, the devil,
prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences
of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace,
who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect,
confirm, strengthen and establish you.
To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
- 1 Peter 5:6-11 (NAS)
Many things pop out from this passage: we will be exalted when the time is right; we are under attack; be strong because the weak go down first; we’re not alone in our suffering nor our experiences; God will be glorified. But I keep tripping on one little phrase: “… casting all your anxiety on Him …” Not some of your anxiety, not a few of your biggest cares, but ALL.
This is where I struggle. I want to handle things on my own. I want to just take care of the little stuff and then let Him handle the big stuff.
The next phrase always corrects me: “… because He cares for you.” He doesn’t care for some of me nor only when I do the right things or after I’ve already handled the small stuff myself. No. He cares for me unconditionally and without fail. He is beyond faithful in His pursuit of me! He cares for me so much that even the “little” things are big things to Him.
Once again I beg God to take it all from me. I don’t ask to be released from trials, but only that He would loosen my prideful grip in order to accept His help and wisdom. Take my cares and show me what to do with them.
Shameless Fool
Yup. That’s me lookin’ oh-so-purdy for one of our many tea parties. You thought I was kidding about the dress up? Oh, no. This time she didn’t make me wear an old prom dress, but the requisite fancy attire could not be escaped.
So what am I wearing? Let’s see … there is a pink fairy princess Build-a-Bear dress tied around my neck. That’s on top of the pink and purple ballet scarf Granny knitted for Ellie. The blue headband is one of the many Cinderella tiaras my daughter owns. Oh, and how could you miss the wedding veil? The actual veil I wore for wedding almost ten years ago. What you can’t see in this picture is the Hawaiian lei bracelet and another silky something or other tied around my waist. Who handed this child a camera with me looking like this??
I never hesitate to make a fool of myself for my children. I sing (loudly) through the grocery store and will jump on any accessible mall stage to entertain my offspring. I blow bubbles and roll down grassy hills without thinking for a second about the more distinguished adults watching me. I’ll do just about anything to make them smile. And a laugh? A child’s laugh is greater than gold, more precious than owning the world.
This begs the question: why am I so inhibited when it comes to my faith? I’m an incessant, shameless fool for my kids, but too frequently stop short when it comes to sharing my faith or praising God. While filling our grocery cart, the kids will shout praises to our King. I smile and inwardly acclaim their witness, but then choose a Beatles hit for our next song.
“I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” – Romans 1:16 (NIV)
I want to claim this verse wholeheartedly and live in a way that shows it.
Before I leave, one more shot of my gorgeous-ness and my buzzing photographer. Usually Zach wears the bee costume (since his father forbids him to wear princess dresses), but he didn’t feel much like tea this day. He opted to play trains while we did “girly” things. Ellie snatched the bee costume.
For more embarrassing photos, visit We are THAT Family for the ‘Fro Me to You Carnival. For more examples of preschooler photography, visit Life in the Crazy Lane on Saturday for a brand new blog carnival.
Celebrities
Today is garbage day. It creates some heavy excitement in this house. Zach, like most two-year-old boys, LOVES trucks. He can hear the garbage truck coming from around the block. He runs through the house screaming and jumping: “Truck coming, Mama!! Truck coming! C’mon. C’mon, Mama. Let’s go see garbage truck!!”
In my lifetime I have only known one person who aspired to be a garbage man. It was my stepbrother, Kevin. He was seven at the time and thought it would be super-cool to ride around on a big truck all day. We all made fun of him and teased him about his smelly, trash dreams. The rest of us (the remaining seven siblings) had bigger, better dreams. We were going to be important! We would not be serving the neighborhood from the back of a big green truck. People would look up to us, not smell us.
Now, many years later, I see the garbage men as celebrities. They know our house and generously wave at the little faces eager to watch them work. It’s so funny! They’re always smiling. The kids greet them everyday with hefty “HI!”s and “Have a good day!!” They’ve even got paparazzi on occassion. I don’t know … maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be a garbage man. At first appearances, it may seem like a bum rap, but from another perspective, it’s what kids look forward to all week long. These service guys are treated like rock stars.
Do you know any rock stars in disguise? Any service projects or ministries you view with a condescending eye? I wonder who holds those same servants in esteem?
The Icky Stuff
We are reading through 1 John in our family devotions. Each morning we read a chapter from the Bible then briefly talk about it before praying together. After reading the second chapter, Rick asked the kids, “What did you hear?”
Isabel launched into a lengthy description of icky stuff and Jesus scraping out the insides. It took a while, but I finally made the connection. “Yes, that’s right! When Jesus forgives us He gets rid of all our icky sins.”
It amazes me what these kids learn and remember! The “icky stuff” explanation came from a book I read to the kids weeks before. The evening’s menu included acorn squash. As always, the kids helped me cook. While they scooped out the pulp and seeds from the centers of our squashes, I read My Happy Pumpkin (by Crystal Bowman), explaining that Jesus cleans us of all our sins, then puts His light inside us, just like a happy pumpkin. We hadn’t talked about it again since then, but she remembered.
Last week, after a particularly difficult morning, she surprised me again. I cried as we drove home from her school. I was frustrated, embarrassed and simply at my wit’s end. My thoughts were flooded with desperate prayers, not interested in the stream of conversation in the back seat. As I returned to the tangible present, I heard Isabel giving Zachary a theological exhortation. “…she’s crying because you were screaming. Do you know what that is, Zachary? That’s sin. Do you know what sin is? Sin is the bad things we do, like screaming or hitting. Sin hurts people, like you hurt Mommy. She’s sad and that’s why you can’t scream anymore. Right, Mommy?”
Moments like these humble and intimidate me. I am humbled to know God can use my sometimes flippant conversations to make such strong impressions on our children. I am intimidated for the same reason. Parenting is tough. It’s nonstop and chased by guilt.
The verse above encourages children in preschool and children who are my age or older. Our sins are forgiven not for us, but for HIS name’s sake; that HE maybe praised. He is the light shining through our happy pumpkins. The more goop He has to scoop, the more room there is for His glory.
An audience of One
Hey, all! Thank you for your prayers and kind encouragement while I was sick. I am feeling MUCH better — still not 100%, but I’m getting there. 
2am mind-fields
Ich bete wieder, du Erlauchter
Today I just want to share a poem with you. It was written by Rainer Maria Rilke and can be found in Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God. The original work was written in German. Since I know very few German words, I cannot vouche for the translation*. I can, however, attest to the fathomless sincerity of this prayer; the utter humility before a holy God.
I am praying again, Awesome One. 
You hear me again, as words
from the depths of me
rush toward you in the wind.
I’ve been scattered in pieces,
torn by conflict,
mocked by laughter,
washed down in drink.
In alleyways I sweep myself up
out of garbage and broken glass.
With my half-mouth I stammer you,
who are eternal in your symmetry.
I lift to you my half-hands
in wordless beseeching, that I may find again
the eyes with which I once beheld you.
I am a house gutted by fire
where only the guilty sometimes sleep
before the punishment that devours them
hounds them out into the open.
I am a city by the sea
sinking into a toxic tide.
I am a stranger to myself, as though someone unknown
had poisoned my mother as she carried me.
It’s here in all the pieces of my shame
that now I find myself again.
I yearn to belong to something, to be contained
in an all-embracing mind that sees me
as a single thing.
I yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart –
oh let them take me now.
Into them I place these fragments, my life,
and you, God — spend them however you want.
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5: 5-7 (NIV)
