Category Archives: frustration
It’s still my choice.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” — Galations 6:9 (NIV)
Stop the Ripples
I am hiding from my children. Our bedroom, affectionately called “the cave”, is my only place of solitude. Well, a semi-solitude. The ramblings of our children still echo from the living room. Dora is singing somewhere in the background. Piles of laundry surround me, sprinkled with a few cheerios and matchbox cars. But this is the best I can find.
Our children are boycotting naps. I haven’t had a moment’s rest in a week and a half. That is, not while they are awake. I haven’t written in that same amount of time. It’s killing me. I can’t even go to the bathroom without visitors to my throne or prying voices on the other side of the shower curtain.
So, what do I do? When I don’t have my “me-time” as our generation calls it; when I don’t have the quiet moments I need to recharge my batteries, I attack whoever is closest. I’ll grumble at Rick for leaving a wet towel on the floor. Even the mailman annoys me. If I am in the middle of disciplining Zachary and Isabel interrupts, who gets yelled at? Isabel. She likely is not the original source of frustration, but I spread my frustration to her. When I do not have my quiet moments, my reactions are disproportionate. Instead of smart-bombing problems, I use a more general ammunition, hitting innocent bystanders in the process. My grief and wrath ripple throughout the house. In turn, it ripples back. Isabel hits Zach because she knows she can’t hit me. Zach screams because he’s not as fast as she is, and poor Rick retreats until the storm blows over. I am left in the center facing the problems I alone created and amplified.
How much easier it would be to take a time-out in the beginning. Stop. Pray. Retreat to the cave before the warning bells ring and the turmoil is inevitable. As busy people it’s not always that simple. We run 24/7 with never enough time to accomplish all that needs to be done. We struggle to balance family life with career ambitions and spiritual callings. We are torn in every direction.
One of my favorite quotes is this: “There is never enough time to do all the nothing we want.” The problem is we don’t know what the nothing is versus the something. God knows what is most important for us. He knows how our priorities should align. If we don’t spend time with Him, how will we know what our somthings are? How will we know which demands are nothing and better neglected? We can’t. This is why we should seek him day and night. Even if it’s only a few solitary moments before rolling out of bed.
The good ripples, too. When I align my thoughts with God first thing, the rest of the day is better. My attitude is better, and everyone can tell the difference. Instead of loud, rushing voices, the house echos with laughter and sweet sentiments. Isabel hugs her brother instead of hitting him. Zach shares toys instead of stealing them. Rick is happy to come home instead of wishing he had a cave of his own. We don’t need to hide from each other! We find our rest in God. In the end, it’s not “me-time” that we need, it’s God-time.
It’s not my fault.
A big truck rested next to me. Zachary was running toward it, but misjudged the distance. He did a sort of belly-flop onto the couch, hitting his head on the truck. As he cried, I swooped him up in motherly love and comfort. My son responded by poking me in the eye. On purpose.
Is blame-shifting hereditary or is it just human nature? I know our family has issues with it. If we’re lost, it’s not the driver’s fault. The passenger is to blame for not looking at the map. If I stub my toe, it’s Rick’s fault for not putting his shoes away. If Zach hits his head, whoever is closest to the offending truck must have caused the pain. I got poked in the eye for sitting in the wrong spot. I didn’t put the truck there and I didn’t cause Zach to hit his head, but I still felt the pain. Literally.
The Peace of God
It has been a week. I’ll spare you all the details if you promise to understand it’s been a trial. I have broken down in tears at least once a day. On Monday, it wasn’t just me crying – Zach and Ellie joined me in a harmony of screams and sobs in the church parking lot after a very chaotic morning. Tuesday found me crying in bed at 2am. Wednesday … well, Wednesday started to turn my week around. I won a gift certificate to Starbucks!
The ice-breaker at MOPS was a points game. We each got one point for having dirty dishes in our sinks; another point for having clothes in the dryer; a point for each diaper we changed that morning … you get the idea. A friend and I won for having been up during the night. We each boasted six times between midnight and sunrise. I was thrilled with the prize! (I’m actually enjoying my caramel macchiato as I type. It’s wonderful.) To add to my pleasure, Zach slept ten hours that night.
Then came Thursday. I turned on my laptop as usual, but nothing worked. I couldn’t access my email or any of my documents. I store everything on my laptop. My books-in-progress, my proposals, my articles, my records of submissions … everything. And it was all gone.
I took a deep breath and restarted my computer. Still nothing. I did this four times before accepting the fact that something was wrong. I shut down the computer one more time then went into the kitchen to do the dishes.
As I stood there, with sudsy hands, I prayed. “Lord, whatever You will is fine with me.” I thought of all the work I have put into those projects, the lack of duplicate copies, the short time remaining before my conference; yet, for some reason, I didn’t cry. Normally, I would have been hysterical. Six months worth of work lost and only six weeks to recreate it. As I prayed silently, this amazing peace filled me. ‘If it’s lost, it’s lost. I can’t do anything about it, so … no worries. If it’s gone, God has something else He wants me to write. He’ll help me write it better. It’s all good.’ My own thoughts shocked me. I was freaking out more about my lack of freaking out than I was about the bum computer.
I let it go knowing God was in complete control. The kids and I went about the morning. My mother-in-law arrived. (She had come to watch the kids while I used the day to write uninterrupted.) We visited for a while. My husband offered to come home from work to try fixing it. Even then, I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t worried. I felt bizarrely calm. Just after talking with Rick, I tried the laptop one more time, just to be sure. It all came back. I don’t know how or why. I just know it’s there. Every bit of it.
Maybe God was testing my priorities. Maybe He wanted to be sure I trusted Him fully in every circumstance. I can’t say that always do! But in this instance, I knew He was in control.That knowledge allowed me to trust Him fully. That trust provided me the most amazing peace, peace beyond comprehension. I can’t explain it. All I know is this morning I had nothing, but I didn’t cry. And now I’m sitting with a cup of heaven and a working laptop.
Finding Rest
God promises us rest. He calls the weak and weary to come to Him. He tells us His burden is light and His yoke is easy; if we trust in Him, our burdens will be lifted and we will have rest. How great is that?
Unfortunately, I know the Scripture but my body doesn’t believe it. I’m exhausted! It has been two years since I have slept consistently. I’m tired of dealing with screaming kids and messes and laundry. I’m tired of giving to everyone and running everywhere and never getting a day off. Where is this rest? The blessing of children has forever changed my life (not to mention my body) and zapped whatever relaxation that may have previously existed. I know God gives us rest, but I sure don’t feel it.
How about you? Do you feel rested?
We know God never lies; His Word is fully true. So, how do we find His rest? We have a million and one things to do every day. People depend on us, but we can’t provide what they need if our own needs are not being met. And we need the rest God offers. How do we get it? We make room for it.
The problem starts with expectations. We believe people expect us to be the best at everything. We’ve got to have the best job, maintain the cleanest, most comfortable home, have the happiest spouse and the best-behaved children. We need to be involved in our church and our community and our kids’ schools. We’ve got to keep up with friends and family members, always being thoughtful and encouraging. And don’t forget the finances. It’s our job to be thrifty and wise with the money, getting the best deals on everything.
Guess what – none of this is what God expects from us. God expects us to love Him with all our hearts, souls, and minds. That’s it. Nothing more; nothing less. We don’t have to DO anything. We just have to be madly and deeply in love with Him.
The reason we don’t find rest in Him is because we are too busy living up to other expectations. We over-commit ourselves. We fill our lives with things that we don’t need – all the while sacrificing what we do need: rest in God.
We have to make time for it. Perhaps this means giving up a ministry that has you too stressed. Or spending more money on groceries so you can enjoy time reading God’s Word instead of cutting coupons. Maybe it means letting the laundry sit so you can curl up with a movie or a great book while the kids nap. I’m not suggesting we slack off on our responsibilities – only that we get our priorities straight. God must come first, so we need to make time for Him. Whatever will help you — a devotional, a babysitter, a change in thinking — whatever it is, find it. Go out of your way to make room for God’s rest. You won’t believe how good it feels.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” — Matthew 11:28-30
Adventures in Public Restrooms
Carol, this one’s for you! (Notice her comment on the latest “Ellie-isms” post.)
All parents understand what a monumental event potty-training can be. It sticks with the kids. Whether they do it right or not, they remember everything you say –especially the things you repeat frequently. If you have not yet embarked upon the journey, take heed now. Think about what you say and remember their mouths: toddlers say whatever is on their minds and have no volume control. I am here to tell you public restrooms and toddlers do not mix. Here’s my story.
It was just after Christmas. The stores were packed with return-makers and sale-grabbers. Using a public restroom is difficult (to say the least) with two toddlers and a double stroller. A busy mall doesn’t make it easier, but nature does call.
I stuffed the kids and the stroller into the handicapped stall. (It is the only one where we all fit and the door still closes.) After Ellie went, it was my turn.
“Mommy, are going to make poopy?”
“Nope.”
“Mommy, be careful! Don’t let your bottom touch the seat. It might be icky!”
“Shh, shhh … I know, babe.” I started to tinkle and …
“Mommy!! You’re going!!” Ellie’s enthusiasm was evident in her high volume and pitch. Even over that I heard a few stifled giggles from outside.
“Ellie, please be quiet.” How many people were listening? I think there eight other stalls … Zach started screaming from the stroller. A pacifier went flying.
“I’m so proud of you! Are you excited, Mommy?”
“Sure.” Trying to get her to be quiet was a waste of breath.
“Mommy, don’t forget to wipe. First you grab the paper … It’s over there.”
“I know, Isabel. I’ve been doing this for a while.”
“Let me wipe the back.”
“No – I got it! Thanks.” At this point the laughter from other patrons was no longer stifled. It was pretty much all-out guffawing. I even heard one comment “How sweet!” Hmmmm … yeah. Isabel didn’t stop.
“You’re a very, big girl now, Mama.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Now you flush the potty.”
“Okay.” I surrendered. “What’s next?”
“M&Ms!” I smiled.
As we washed our hands, an elderly lady sitting in the lounge commented on how helpful my daughter was. She told Isabel how important it was for a lady to have proper cleanliness. Isabel, of course, was thrilled with the compliment.
I was so thankful! This stranger eased my embarrassment, but more importantly, she gave me proper perspective. Being a parent is hard. It is exhausting, frustrating, emotionally draining and sometimes just gross and embarrassing. But how many people have delightful stories like this to share? How many people make memories in a public bathroom? I am honored to be one of the blessed who do.
An Unconscious Example
Kids are perfect mirrors. They reflect all they see, the good and the bad. If ever I want to know what phrases I use too often or which things I shouldn’t have said, I only need to listen to Isabel. Everything sounds different – sometimes better and sometimes worse – when it comes out of a three-year-old’s mouth.
I’ve been watching one area in particular: my temper. Too often I get frustrated too easily. In those times I say things I don’t mean in tones I hate. In my exhaustion, I jump to anger. This is not an example I want my kids to follow. Knowing they imitate my every move, I’ve tried to curb this awful habit.
This week we entered one such danger zone. It was Monday morning. We were running late, and I couldn’t find my keys. I was already frustrated, so anger wasn’t far behind. My mind raced. All I could think was Rick must have grabbed my keys by mistake. I couldn’t find his, so I’d have to call my friend to come pick us up … but how do I get the carseats out of the van? And how will I get back in the house without keys? Realizing my kids were probably watching (they always are), I stopped. I took a deep breath and prayed aloud: “God, I need Your help! Please help me find my keys.”
Right at that moment a thought came to me: my spring jacket. The weather has been so crazy! One day it’s thirty-five degrees and the next it’s sixty-five. I’ve got three different coats hanging up and have worn all three in the past week. I checked my spring jacket and found my keys in the right pocket. “Thank you, God.” A sigh of relief; we were ready to go.
I turned around to find Isabel, arms uplifted and face enraptured. “God, PLEASE my mommy!! Thank You, thank You, THANK You!!” I had to chuckle … and thank God again for helping me be a good example.
We never know who is watching or how they’ll imitate us.
“In everything set them an example by doing what is good.” – Titus 2:7 (NIV)
Proverbs 31
For as long as the words have been inscribed, women have been encouraged and challenged by Proverbs 31. This one chapter describes the perfect woman of God. I often get frustrated reading about her. She is excellent in every way. She is creative and crafty, a world-class chef, an entrepreneur and a good business woman. She works night and day, is charitable, hospitable, optimistic and takes great care of her house and everyone in it. Her children and her husband adore her. She is respected by all and she fears the Lord. It’s a mighty standard to meet! Recently while reading this portion of Scripture one verse stuck out more than all the rest. It’s funny because I had never noticed it before.
“What, O my son?
And what, O son of my womb?
And what, O son of my vows?”
I had to laugh. Even this perfect woman of God, the one we all aspire to be, was occasionally exasperated. This one verse made me feel so much better! There are times I respond to our children with a “What? What? What??” I love the thought that perhaps our Proverbs 31 woman faced the same exhaustion and frustration so many parents feel today.
The verse quoted above is verse 2. Only one verse precedes it, and that is a simple introduction: “The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him.” In other words, the first thing Lemuel’s mother said was “What”.
This brings me to another verse: James 1:19: “Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”
Our example of a godly woman did not start with “Don’t touch this …” or “Stop doing that …” She may have been frustrated; she may have been weary, but she did not start with instruction. She started with a question. She chose to listen first.
I can almost hear her take a deep breath between verse 2 and 3. This mother was full of patience even when her strength was nearly gone. Yes, she may have been tired, but she stopped just long enough to regain perspective. She didn’t get angry. She listened first then spoke. And when she spoke … wow.
She goes beyond answering her son’s questions. She goes beyond giving him instruction. She gives him wise counsel in a way he can remember. If we look at the Hebrew text (Don’t be impressed – I remember very little from my college Hebrew classes!) we notice that verses 10 through 31 are alphabetical, each one starting with the next letter in the Hebrew alphabet. Our righteous example was a mother who took the time to not only give her children the knowledge they needed, but to give it to them in a way they would understand. What a wise and wonderful woman!
Once again … encouragement and a challenge. Parents, know you’re not alone. Your job is hard and frustrating; it’s exhausting, but this time is fleeting. Take a deep breath. Teach your children what they need to know in a way they will remember. I love songs and hands-on projects. Some of the best learning times we’ve had with the kids have been through music and motion. Oh, I’ve got a long way to go. I forget to take that deep breath far too often. I speak before I listen. I am full of faults … but with God’s help and the example He has given us here, perhaps one day my children will rise up and call me blessed. Toward that end I will persevere.
All Scripture taken from the New American Standard Version.
Another Little Thing
It’s been a rough week. Zachary’s molars started breaking through, so he’s been miserable with fever and pain. On top of that, the eczema on his hands flared up again, getting infected. He hasn’t slept well. Translation: WE haven’t slept well. I am tired, sore, sleep-deprived and emotionally exhausted.
Some days being a parent seems like too much work. I get tired of being nice and loving and nurturing. Some days I would rather be selfish. I would love to drop the kids off with their real parents so I can hit the movies or walk aimlessly around the city. Then I remember: I am the real parent.
On other days I am reminded exactly why I longed to be a mom in the first place: those little things that make all the difference. This morning Zach wasn’t feeling his best. He started crying and fussing with a stinky diaper. I changed him, lifted him off the table and gave him a kiss. He threw his arm around my neck and said, “Thank you, Mom.” I melted. It is amazing how such a little thing can make all those weary, endless nights disappear.
Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galations 6:9
To Survive or Glorify?
Today is one of those days. My to-do list is a mile long and the kids are in a mood. I’ve handed out ten spankings and it’s only 9am. An appointment has slipped my mind until the last moment. I shower, dress, pack the diaper bag and get the kids in the car in fifteen minutes flat. Not bad – right? Except now I’m harried and rushed and simply cannot find a moment to regroup. All I can think about is how my socks don’t match. I remember the luxury of make-up. Ahh … those were the days! Back to normal life: There is nothing like lunch with over-tired toddlers and picky eaters. My white T-shirt (my last resort, worn only on laundry day) now has red jello marks all over the shoulder, and my lap smells like urine (not mine). I finally get the kids down for a nap; then, discover they have locked me out of the bathroom. This is my day.
Now, you’re probably expecting me to say something profound about God giving us rest and all the strength we need to survive each day. I will not refute that – He most certainly does! But today a different verse is on my mind: 1 Corinthians 10:31.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (NAS)
We do a lot of singing in our house. We have a song for just about every occasion. We sing the hymn “Stand Up for Jesus” nearly every day when prompting the kids to stand up to get dressed, get out of the bath, get off the floor in a store … We have a good morning song (compliments of VeggieTales). We sing a ton of choruses and kid songs all throughout the day. We even have a clean-up song (thanks to Laurie Berkner) that we sing whenever putting toys away.
The other night, as we were straightening the living room before bed, Isabel took the initiative to start our song. She sang loudly: “Clean up! Clean up for Jesus!” She had combined two of our usuals to make a whole new song.
This is what is on my mind today. She was cleaning up for Jesus. She was thinking (and singing!) of Him as she did her little mundane task of putting away her toys.
God doesn’t want us to simply survive our days here on Earth. He wants us to glorify Him through every moment of our lives. He is longing for us to drive to appointments for Him; to change diapers for Him; to go to work and stare at a computer for 9 hours … all with the purpose of glorifying Him. This life must be survived, there is no doubt. But there is much more to it than just survival.
Let me encourage you today: Clean your house for Jesus. Wash your car for Christ. Be nice to your boss for God. In all that you do, be it at home or elsewhere, do it all for the glory of God. Don’t live today just to survive; live it to glorify.
