Posts filed under 'frustration'
Gladitudes
My plan was to tell you I haven’t anything to blog about. We have a LOT going on — house stuff, ministry stuff, family stuff and just other STUFF — and while the process of blogging is beautifully cathartic, I can’t allow some of those icky inner thoughts to be published so publicly. Suffice it to say my plate is full, my emotions are taxed, my body is weary and my faith … oh, my faith is being stretched. I would love to share all of this with you, but wisdom censors me.
Then I read Gretchen’s post. Sure, I’ve got a lot of stuff to distract me from God’s goodness, but I will choose today to focus on Him and all the blessings that too easily become overshadowed.
- We still have a beautiful home. Even if everything falls through with the house really, really want, we’re still in a pretty good spot right here. Is it what I would choose? No. But it is enough and I am grateful for it.
- It has been gorgeous here lately! Granted: today is crazy hot for May in Jersey and Ellie has already outgrown her new swimsuit for the year, but I am grateful. My kids are healthy and growing and we’ve a wonderful backyard to enjoy!
- Speaking of swimsuits and days in the backyard, I am very thankful that our children inherited my German skin that tans and not Rick’s Irish skin that burns. (Don’t worry, Mom. They’re still covered in SPF 50!)
- Rick and I are reading Scripture together. There was a time in our lives when we read books together and did daily devotions together, but then we had kids and jobs and a mortgage and a yard and ministry responsibilities, and somewhere in all this we came to value sleep over a shared spiritual journey. Don’t get me wrong; we’ve always shared bits here and there, but consistency somehow fell by the wayside. Thanks to the insane stress of real estate, the Read with Me challenge (Thank you, Kellie, for making me do this!), and all our current life decisions, we’ve gotten back into a regular thing. I love it! We don’t read together every day, but we talk about what we’re reading. Praying together doesn’t feel forced or obligatory any more. It’s become much more natural … like it used to be.
- School is almost out!!! I love school and I love having my kids there, but I am so ready for a break from the routine. I’m ready to be done with extra activities. I’m ready to be done watching other peoples’ kids ransack the playground. I’m ready to be done writing class letters and coordinating activities and feeling so responsible if any of the kindergarten parents feel “out of the loop.” I’m ready for summer and THANK GOD it’s almost here.
- I’m grateful for friends who love me no matter what, for friends who have been where I am before and who gently offer their pearls of wisdom. I am grateful that one day I’ll be able to do the same for someone else.
- I got two new editing clients this week! I know, I know … my plate is already full. But I love editing and even though I call it “work” it often feels more like “me time” than an actual job. Right now my “job” seems to be packing and living in a house with 70% of my things in boxes.
- I’m thankful we’ve been able to pack 70% of our things (give or take) with relatively little effort or chaos. I’m also thankful that we’ve clearly labeled every box so that we can unpack them with ease — even if the unpacking happens in this very house.
- Most of all, I am indescribably grateful the GOD IS IN CONTROL. I haven’t a clue what’s going on most of the time, but He knows everything that has happened and everything that will happen. He knows where my heart is and He loves me. Of this I have no doubt. And in this I place all my trust.
What are you thankful for today?
2 comments May 26, 2010
Reality moves.
Have you missed me? I know, I’ve been silent lately. It’s not that I have nothing to say; it’s just that I don’t want to say the wrong things. I’ve been in a funk and the cathartic nature of blogging likely would have brought out all the negative things I’d rather not post for the world to read. What’s that proverb? “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.” (Proverbs 17:28) Call me the fool.
What do you do when you’re in a funk? There are the typical devices: chocolate, coffee, mashed potatoes … okay, so I’m an emotional eater. I admit it. But there are others: shopping, a favorite TV show, a lazy novel that doesn’t require any thinking, the “right” music, a drive to nowhere, a day at the beach, a date and a night of unscheduled intimacy. Sometimes if we just break the mundane routine of life, we can fill up our enthusiasm tanks.
But sometimes those fuels aren’t what we need at all. It’s like sea water, a cruel joke to a stranded man. He’s surrounded by water, but if he drinks it, he’ll actually be in a worse state than the parched, cracked-lip man he is now.
Yes, a grande white chocolate mocha would seem divine right about now. But it’s not the fuel I need.
A “good” Christian would say “You need God! You haven’t spent enough time in the Word or in prayer, and that’s why you’re in this funk.” So I turn to my Bible and my God, consuming them the same as my chocolate, expecting the same fix.
But God is not a drug. He’ll not be used at my whim like a genie. Joy is not found through a prescribed combination of piety. Yes, spiritual discipline is important and, yes, Jesus is always the answer, but faith is not attained through a formula. Just because you see your boss every day doesn’t mean you have a relationship. I don’t want a ritual, I want intimacy. I know what’s true, but I want to feel it too. I want reality — God’s truth — to be tangible.
This weekend as I bit my tongue trying not to groan as my children gleefully climbed all over me, I looked up and saw this.
It doesn’t look like much; it’s just a tree. Lying on the ground, I stared at something I’ve seen billions of times, but now from a different perspective. I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. Thousands and thousands of leaves against a bright blue sky. All of a sudden I didn’t feel so alone. God knows exactly how many of those green fingers wiggle in the breeze. Even after my son’s daily baseball bat attacks on the tender branches, He knows. He knows how many hairs are on my head, even as I’m pulling them out. He knows how much I adore these children, even when I’m more frustrated than grateful. He knows how much I want to serve Him, even when I put it off or don’t do it right.
A new perspective, a jolt to my consciousness, and suddenly reality moves from my head to my heart.
2 comments July 20, 2009
Hairy Races
Fine hair runs in my family. My husband’s family is blessed with gorgeous, shiny thick hair. My brothers have beautifully thick curls. My mother, grandmother and I (and doubtless generations of disappointed women before us) suffer with stick-straight, floss-fine hair. My poor granny also boasted white hair since birth and a receeding hairline that has made us all worry about drive-in movie theatre foreheads.
Ellie’s hair, unfortunately, comes from my side. The girl has gorgeous color and curls to die for, but it’s fine. I don’t mean thin. She has a lot of hair; it’s just fine. If you’re not afflicted with such you may not understand the trouble this causes. It tangles horrendously and can take hours to comb through.
In college I drove with a friend, windows down. I subtly collected all my hair into my hand and held tightly. She didn’t understand and told me to let go. We weren’t going that far and my hair would be fine. We arrived at our destination twenty minutes later, her hair still beautiful and perfectly neat. Mine, however, had been replaced by a huge nest made from straw by a schizophrenic bird. This is the future to which my genes have doomed our daughter. Add this to her curls and every bath day invites torture and lament.
Combing her hair is painful for both of us. Removing the messes takes patience, gentleness, diligence and usually some help – like a life-saving leave-in conditioner.
Sometimes it’s easier to ignore the tangles. Rather than suffer through her crying and my impatience, I’d prefer to pop it all up in a ponytail and forget it. But the tangles always grow. Left untended, they get worse.
Sometimes it’s tempting to only remove some of the rats, the bigger ones, and let the smaller ones wait for another day. I mean, isn’t forty minutes of combing enough? If it’s not done in that timeframe, then maybe it really doesn’t need to be done. If the top layers look nice, the rest can wait – right? I admit: sometimes I give in to this temptation, but come next bath day, I have to answer for my haste with greater diligence.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because the messes in our lives are the same. We may be tempted to let them be, ignore them or just save the conflict for another day. But we need to deal with our problems. Yes, it takes work and will likely involve pain, but the alternative will cause more pain. We need to remove the sin from our lives, no matter how big or small. I’m not saying all of our tangles are related to sin, but if it is, then we need to root it out. If it’s not, we still need to deal with it if we want to continue to grow in our faith and be used by God to our greatest potential.
There is good news! Just as I would never tackle Ellie’s hair without help, we cannot tackle our problems alone either. To do so is futile, setting ourselves up for failure. Praise God we have life-saving help! No leave-in conditioner, but rather we have a pool or resources. Prayer. Faithful friends. Encouraging Scripture. God-fearing teachers and leaders. Accountability. Best of all: the Holy Spirit on our side who knows our weaknesses. When we remove the tangles that encumber us, we can run faithfully the race laid out before us. We can be champions!
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
- Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
1 comment April 6, 2009
Swallowing keys
Since having children I’ve spent more time than not reflecting on the fatherhood of God. He adopts believers as His children making Him our Father. He deals with us in parallel as we deal with our own children.
Today is one of those days when it’s easy to understand why some animals eat their young. Zachary has a will of iron and an independent spirit to match. He will remain steadfast on his erroneous course, seemingly oblivious to cause and effect. He loses toys and tv-priviledges; gets time-outs and (when none of that gets his attention) spankings. It exhausts me to continually enforce consequences. It would be so much easier (for both of us!) if he would just stop, listen and obey.
I’m so frustrated! But when I step back and remember the parallel; remember that I, too, am a child, then my heart breaks. I feel a double dose of compassion: one for our Father who must deal with me and one for my son, with whom I more readily relate.
Caedmon’s Call lyrics echo again. These verses from their song “Coming Home” perfectly describe the battle.
“You say you want a living sacrifice. Well, I am a burnt offering crawling off the altar and back into the fire. And with my smoke-filled lungs I cry out for freedom while locking and chaining myself to my rotting desires. And I hate the stench, but I swallow the key.”
Do you ever do that? I watch Zachary as one by one his favorite toys are taken away. I see the pain in his face, the obvious conflict. He wants to take the easy route, but for some reason he chooses to continue in his sin. Rather than submit to our authority, he insists he is in charge. Much like someone else I know.
And so we both pay consequences. I miss out on the blessings God has for me. I stew in my unmet expectations, forgetting that I never checked those expectations against God’s plans. I continue full-steam ahead, never hesitating, with a deluded vision of myself in provident reign.
The song continues: “Can you hear me? I’m coming home!” The good news is this: it doesn’t matter how far down the wrong path we’ve gone, it only takes one step to return.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 (NIV)
Yes, He can hear us! Even with the key stuck in our throats. We may not get all our toys back, but at least we’ll be on the right path again. We can start over, choosing the right this time.
Photo courtesy of imageafter.com. Song lyrics copyright 1997, Caedmon’s Call.
3 comments January 15, 2008
Frustration vs. Procrastination
“I think of Joseph, whom Hannah and I are studying in homeschool. When he was given disappointments and hardships that we can’t even imagine, in the end he looked the ones who were responsible in the face and said that God meant it for good, and it was okay because of that. Beyond that, I am constantly convicted by something I heard David Jeremiah say on the radio recently. That if we’re fatigued, if we’re frustrated, or if we’re failing, then we are trying to do it in our own strength. That made me mad at first, but I eventually saw that it was absolutely true, and I had to give up control back to Him if I was going to get anywhere.”
I’ve complained much of frustration lately. When I asked a friend to pray for me, this was the response she sent me. This entire week I’ve not felt frustrated, but credit is not due to my friend’s wonderful admonition. The reason I feel less weary is simply this: procrastination. I’m not stressed over how to spend my time or my energies because I’m wasting it all. I’ve been drowning myself (and my time) in novels. Not that there is anything wrong with reading!! Wow – I would never even think such a thing! But if reading keeps me from fulfilling grander purposes; if it supersedes what should be a higher priority, isn’t that a problem?
“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” — Colossians 3:23 (NAS)
In other words, we are to give our very best; we are to work with passion and tireless ambition, no matter what we do. I think of this verse whenever I tackle a less than glamorous chore. Like dishes. I hate doing the dishes. But reading! I love to read! I will gladly read with all my strength and all my time. But is that the work I’ve been called to do?
5 comments November 14, 2007
Faith, Healing and Prayer
My friend Dale wrote a thought-provoking post on her blog this week. I wanted to leave a comment for her, but discovered I had too much to say about it. Her church recently hosted a guest speaker who proclaimed the necessity of faith in healing. It’s true Jesus spoke of a relationship between the two; He said several times “Your faith has healed you.” Dale’s question looks at the other side: What about those who are not healed? Is their faith less than sufficient?
13 comments October 10, 2007
2am mind-fields
3 comments September 29, 2007
Even in the little laws
“We know that everything in the Law was written for those who are under its power. The Law says these things to stop anyone from making excuses and to let God show that the whole world is guilty. God doesn’t accept people simply because they obey the Law. No, indeed! All the Law does is to point out our sin.” – Romans 3:19-20 (CEV)
Romans is my favorite book of the Bible. Set aside the exquisite writing, it quiets every argument against grace. Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to be God. We want to prove we’re excellent enough to set the rules. Even when faced with God’s rules, we try to convince ourselves and everyone around us that we meet the standards without exception. We claim to do everything right, but we never do. None of us is perfect. None of us truly meets God’s standard of righteousness. To prove this, God gave us the Law. If you’re Jewish, you know what that means. If you’re a Gentile like me, you may understand something about the Law, but you have no idea of the weight of the law. That is, unless you’ve actually read through Leviticus and Deuteronomy and tried to live by the 614 regulations stated there. The Law was given to humanity not to offer a path to salvation, but to highlight our need for grace. Even the “little” laws do this.
I got a ticket today. I’ve been driving for sixteen years and have only been pulled over twice.
The first time was the day before my wedding. I was so giddy about becoming Mrs. Richard P. Dennis that the officer let me go with well wishes for our nuptials. Our wedding memories included over three feet of snow, a fire, lost contacts, cancelled flights and a bunch of relatives trapped in a hotel with nothing more than frozen dinners and a microwave. And, of course, my almost speeding ticket. I loved that day!
The second time was today. I wasn’t giddy today. We were driving to the mall for a price adjustment. A certain sale is offering the school clothes I bought three weeks ago for Isabel at one-third the price I paid. I was already frustrated at the need for the trip and my impatience to wait for a sale in the first place. Then, in the car, Isabel started arguing with me over something, I don’t remember what. I missed my turn and was forced to take the longer route. I continued barking at Isabel then saw the police officer step into the street in front of me. It was then I looked at the speed: 50 mph in a 35 mph zone. It gets worse. I couldn’t find our proof of insurance. I found four insurance cards in the glove box, but none of them were the right one and all were expired. Fortunately, the officer was merciful. Yes, I got a ticket. I actually have a court date and a point on my license, but he didn’t impound the car. That’s good – right? He waved to the kids and told me since I had them with me – well, if I hadn’t had them with me, he would have impounded the car immediately.
I spent the rest of the drive and our entire time at the mall blaming everyone but myself. If Isabel hadn’t been so argumentative, I would have been more focused on my driving. If the store didn’t have such high prices, I wouldn’t need an adjustment and we wouldn’t have been on the road in the first place. Why is the speed limit thirty-five there anyway? It’s clearly a nonresidential road and so the limit should be higher! I’ve never seen any kids around there. And where is my insurance card?! I blamed the city, the other drivers (who prevented me from making my turn), Isabel, Rick (poor guy wasn’t even in the same county), and just about everyone. Everyone but me. But none of them were at fault. I was speeding. I am to blame.
The Law is not intended to prove how good we are. Its purpose is to prove how good we are not. This was just the speed limit, but the implications are vast. This one little law, when broken, shed light on so many of my imperfections: my pride, arrogance, slanderous thoughts, impatience, unloving attitudes, disrespect for authority … I am in desperate need of God’s grace! Praise God for the Law!! Without it, I would think I was doing pretty well. With it, my shortcomings are unmistakable. My only way out is through repentance.
Praise God for His goodness! May it always be more obvious than my faults.
Photo by Elvis Santana, used with permission. yotophoto.com
5 comments August 29, 2007
Hearing God through the static
I feel like I’ll never catch up. There is so much I want to read and learn and study. So much I want to do and teach and experience. My breath gets short forcing the familiar verse to echo in the back of my head: “Be still and know that I am God,” (Psalm 46:10).
Last week I read an article about Moses and three writers. The author told the four stories parallel with a single connection: hearing the voice of God. He asserted that Moses heard God’s voice in the burning bush because he quieted his location and himself enough to hear God. The author went on to describe these three writers who also found enough quiet to hear God: one in the woods behind his house, one in her living room before the rest of the family awoke and one in her office, sitting before her computer.
3 comments August 19, 2007
It’s still my choice.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” — Galations 6:9 (NIV)
8 comments July 6, 2007
