Posts filed under 'faithfulness'
The Schizophrenic Homeowner, The Waffling Disciple
I don’t believe God has a blueprint for our lives, but I sometimes wish He did.
Let me clarify the first point first. God definitely has a plan for us, but I believe that plan involves our character and not our actions. I believe He is more concerned about who we become than in what we do. His will requires our submission and our obedience, but I don’t know that it includes specific details about our jobs (what we do), our houses (where we live), our wardrobe (what we wear), our families (who we marry and how many kids we have or don’t have) or even our budgets (how much money we get and how we spend it). He cares about those things, of course. But those details are trivial compared to our ability to love, our passion for truth, and our eagerness to serve Him fully.
Some will argue that they’re all related and that, if we truly seek to serve Him fully, then the answers to the “little details” will be clear. I agree all of life is intertwined, but if God had a very specific plan for every detail of our lives, then we would be doomed from the very first mistake. How do you get back on track after abandoning the blueprint? You can’t go back in time and “fix” that part of your life.
Or would God just keep re-drawing our blueprints? A new one for each mistake we make. Of course, if He knows everything (which He does), then He would know we would make mistakes (even before make them), which means His original blueprint would include our mistakes. In which case, even our mistakes follow His plan. Logically, couldn’t we then conclude that God plans for us to disobey?
God hates sin and He cannot contradict His nature which means He can’t possibly plan for us to sin. All this forces me to conclude that we have free will and that God’s plan or “will” for us is flexible enough to allow U-turns, side roads and scenic routes. I picture His will more like a map than a blueprint.
Oh, but a blueprint would be really nice when we face massive decisions! Like moving and buying a house (or not) and where to send our kids to school.
I feel a little like a schizophrenic homeowner. Or maybe a waffling disciple. Is it James who says “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no?’” The problem is I don’t know what our answer is.
We made the decision to enter this adventure after much prayer, research and counsel, but we keep going back and forth. We really like our house! It’s a beautiful home with a great yard, and we finally got it the way we really want it. So, why are we doing this? Yes, we want a bigger house and, yes, we want to be in a different school district in case we need to take the kids out of the Academy but so many questions arise.
What if we move, then something happens and we lose our income? Are we being greedy? Materialistic? Are we building our own kingdom rather than God’s?
What if we take the kids out of school and then they get caught up with the wrong friends? Is it better to stay in a small house and keep the kids in Christian school? Or should we get a bigger house and engage the community more? Are we sheltering our kids too much?
What if the new school’s administration is anti-Christian? What if we don’t get along with our new neighbors? What if our current neighbors need us to stay here longer? What if …
When I get going down this path, there is nothing to stop me from thinking we’ll move into the new house only to have it struck by lightning and burnt to the ground the next day. Or swallowed by a giant sink hole. Or the subject of some massive toxic experiment.
It’s ridiculous, and I know it!
I want to be confident in our decisions, but I don’t know what’s best. I want to stop thinking about it all, but my mind won’t let me. There’s too much that is affected by this. (And I’m not even touching the whole #3 topic!!) What if we make the wrong choice and we can’t reverse it? I don’t want all of the repercussions of this one decision to be on my shoulders.
I wish God would send me an email detailing exactly what He wants us to do.
But He doesn’t work that way.
I wish I were more confident in His plan for us.
But I’ve been wrong so many times before.
I wish I could believe that He will still care for us no matter what decision we make. I know it’s true, but I’m scared.
I’m afraid my mistakes may be too big for His grace.
And yet, admitting this is how I feel, I must laugh at the absurdity. Of course, His grace is greater!! No matter what happens, no matter where we are or where we go or what we do, He will still hold us in the palm of His hand. He will still make Himself known. My entire life rests not on this decision, but upon Him.
Oh, Lord, please help me to live confidently in what I know of You. Your love abounds and your grace knows no end! May my faith be the same. Remind me of the thousands of times you have provided above and beyond our needs, of the times You have revealed Yourself in delightful “coincidences.” When I am weak, You are strong. Help me to rest in You, in Your strength, Your provision and Your grace.
10 comments April 19, 2010
Hairy Races
Fine hair runs in my family. My husband’s family is blessed with gorgeous, shiny thick hair. My brothers have beautifully thick curls. My mother, grandmother and I (and doubtless generations of disappointed women before us) suffer with stick-straight, floss-fine hair. My poor granny also boasted white hair since birth and a receeding hairline that has made us all worry about drive-in movie theatre foreheads.
Ellie’s hair, unfortunately, comes from my side. The girl has gorgeous color and curls to die for, but it’s fine. I don’t mean thin. She has a lot of hair; it’s just fine. If you’re not afflicted with such you may not understand the trouble this causes. It tangles horrendously and can take hours to comb through.
In college I drove with a friend, windows down. I subtly collected all my hair into my hand and held tightly. She didn’t understand and told me to let go. We weren’t going that far and my hair would be fine. We arrived at our destination twenty minutes later, her hair still beautiful and perfectly neat. Mine, however, had been replaced by a huge nest made from straw by a schizophrenic bird. This is the future to which my genes have doomed our daughter. Add this to her curls and every bath day invites torture and lament.
Combing her hair is painful for both of us. Removing the messes takes patience, gentleness, diligence and usually some help – like a life-saving leave-in conditioner.
Sometimes it’s easier to ignore the tangles. Rather than suffer through her crying and my impatience, I’d prefer to pop it all up in a ponytail and forget it. But the tangles always grow. Left untended, they get worse.
Sometimes it’s tempting to only remove some of the rats, the bigger ones, and let the smaller ones wait for another day. I mean, isn’t forty minutes of combing enough? If it’s not done in that timeframe, then maybe it really doesn’t need to be done. If the top layers look nice, the rest can wait – right? I admit: sometimes I give in to this temptation, but come next bath day, I have to answer for my haste with greater diligence.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because the messes in our lives are the same. We may be tempted to let them be, ignore them or just save the conflict for another day. But we need to deal with our problems. Yes, it takes work and will likely involve pain, but the alternative will cause more pain. We need to remove the sin from our lives, no matter how big or small. I’m not saying all of our tangles are related to sin, but if it is, then we need to root it out. If it’s not, we still need to deal with it if we want to continue to grow in our faith and be used by God to our greatest potential.
There is good news! Just as I would never tackle Ellie’s hair without help, we cannot tackle our problems alone either. To do so is futile, setting ourselves up for failure. Praise God we have life-saving help! No leave-in conditioner, but rather we have a pool or resources. Prayer. Faithful friends. Encouraging Scripture. God-fearing teachers and leaders. Accountability. Best of all: the Holy Spirit on our side who knows our weaknesses. When we remove the tangles that encumber us, we can run faithfully the race laid out before us. We can be champions!
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
- Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
1 comment April 6, 2009
Wanna join my team?
Once again I woke up early to write, but promptly allowed myself to get distracted by other things. Stupid thing. Time-wasting things. I don’t have time to waste! In precisely four minutes little feet will sound their pitter-patter down the steps and this fantasy of being a writer will fade like the morning fog. My real life will take over. I won’t be Tanya Dennis, respected author and theological thinker. Nope. I’ll be Mama, slave to children, laundry and home.
So, what did I accomplish this morning? Let’s see … I went to the bathroom. I wrote and rewrote one sentence of a query several times. I checked my email, both accounts. I changed my facebook status and got sucked into that abyss of the cyberworld. Now, thirty-seven precious minutes later, I can hardly remember the brilliance of this query? What was it about? What were those perfect sentence I drafted while lying awake in bed? Those pearls strung beautifully in line are now scattered across the floor of my mind.
Remind me: why do I keep the internet on my computer?
Better yet: why am I so utterly undisciplined? So easily distracted?
I’m revisiting a book I started last year: Time to Write. Humor me while I tell you a snowball story.
Within the past three months I’ve been struck (hard) by the rate at which children grow. I’m always known and often repeated the mantra of “the days are long, but the years are short.” I’ve worked diligently to never wish away my days. I’ve been very intentional about relishing every moment I have with my children, yet somehow I feel like I’m not witnessing enough. I’m not involved enough. I’m not teaching enough. I’m not experiencing this moment of my life (yes, five years is just a moment) with them to its full extent. This revelation has been painfully tangible to me recently as I watched my daughter turn five, as I realized in just seven short months both our kids will be in school, and my life will be vastly different than it is now.
Upon this realization, I decided to put my writing on hold. Other than my blog I haven’t done anything. I haven’t offered any submissions. I haven’t written any query letters, chapters, outlines or ideas. I haven’t even done any editing! Nothing. This sounds like a wonderful, sacrificial commitment. I’m putting my kids and my family first – right? Right. Except that it’s not working. None of my projects or project ideas have agreed to stay on the shelf. They bombard me with better sentence structure, a clearer illustrative story, a more attention-grabbing first line or a marketing idea.
When I first started writing, I met several authors who claimed “writing is like breathing; you just can’t stop.” Since I reluctantly (kicking and screaming) followed this call, I didn’t understand what they meant. Being a former artist, I understood the use-it-or-lose-it truth, but not the compulsive addiction part. Now I get it. I’m trying to stop! I’m trying to sacrifice all for my family, but I’m finding that sacrificing all simply creates a zombie. I’m going through the motions with my mind a thousand miles (or a thousand words) away.
So. I desperately want to focus on my family and I don’t want to be a zombie, so I think I need to schedule some regular writing time in order to get it out of my system so I can be mentally present during what should be quality time. (How’s that for a run-on sentence?) Enter Time to Write. It (at least the parts I’ve read)suggests just this: scheduling writing time into your life instead of waiting for your life to just give you uninterrupted, limitless reign with just you and your laptop. But, again, what good is scheduled time if I spend it all skipping through facebook or other flower-filled meadows of the internet?
I need discipline and, after 32 years of living with me, I know I can’t do it alone. I don’t want to call this a thorn in my side, but it is definitely a life-long struggle. I want to be disciplined and organized, but it just does not come naturally to me. I want to be efficient and productive with my time, but my easy-going, hippy-loving brain would rather just do what I feel the moment needs to be fulfilled. I want the respect of an adult, but I don’t want to grow up to get it. I’m still waiting for my life to begin. But I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of floating. I want to be intentional, purposeful, focused … but without losing my spontaneity or appreciation for moments that can’t be recaptured.
What is the point of this post? Pray for me. This season for me is one of physical rest but internal struggle. We don’t have a ton of activity going on in our lives, but I’m fighting mental battles, spiritual struggles, past demons I thought were buried. I would love to have some prayer warriors on my side.
If you’re willing, please comment or email me with your commitment to pray regularly — once a week, once a month, once a day, whatever! I’ll take it! Pray for my family for spiritual growth, for protection, for vision and direction. Pray for my writing that I would be disciplined and wise with my time and that God would use me to accomplish His will. I have no idea where this will lead. Maybe he has books in my future or maybe just articles. Maybe just this blog or local studies. I don’t know, but I don’t want to miss the boat. He is working and I want to be ready when He needs me. I want to be where He is doing what He wants me to do. So what do you think? Can you join a prayer team?
7 comments March 15, 2009
All my cares
I haven’t blogged much lately, and I’m sorry about that. It’s not that I haven’t had much to say; it’s just that what I have to say probably shouldn’t be published for all the world to see. What could be published, for some reason, won’t align itself in any cohesive manner within me. I’m left simply praying, “God help me.”
Within the past three weeks my grandmother died, my mom came for a visit (we only see each other twice a year since she lives and works 800 miles away), my daughter turned five (an emotionally-chaged age considering my family’s abusive history), my estranged father contacted me after ten years of silence (seemingly with the sole purpose of attacking and berating me), and I finished teaching a 5-month Bible study on Ruth. I am exhausted and I don’t know what to do with most of this, especially the situation with my dad.
“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your
anxiety on Him,because He cares for you.
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert your adversary, the devil,
prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences
of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace,
who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect,
confirm, strengthen and establish you.
To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
- 1 Peter 5:6-11 (NAS)
Many things pop out from this passage: we will be exalted when the time is right; we are under attack; be strong because the weak go down first; we’re not alone in our suffering nor our experiences; God will be glorified. But I keep tripping on one little phrase: “… casting all your anxiety on Him …” Not some of your anxiety, not a few of your biggest cares, but ALL.
This is where I struggle. I want to handle things on my own. I want to just take care of the little stuff and then let Him handle the big stuff.
The next phrase always corrects me: “… because He cares for you.” He doesn’t care for some of me nor only when I do the right things or after I’ve already handled the small stuff myself. No. He cares for me unconditionally and without fail. He is beyond faithful in His pursuit of me! He cares for me so much that even the “little” things are big things to Him.
Once again I beg God to take it all from me. I don’t ask to be released from trials, but only that He would loosen my prideful grip in order to accept His help and wisdom. Take my cares and show me what to do with them.
4 comments March 12, 2009
To Be Like a Fly
A week ago I mentioned watching a fly for fifteen minutes. Have you ever done that? Just sat there and watched a fly? They’re actually pretty cool. This particular fly was on my windshield. He sat directly in my line of sight while I began the monotonous trip home from Philadelphia.
I didn’t want to flip the wipers and smear bug guts all over the window, so instead I played a sadistic game of testing his strength. I watched him intently while speeding through residential streets en route to the highway, waiting for him to flutter off into oblivion. He didn’t budge. I suspected he was dead, but no; I saw him wash his filthy little face at the red light.
As a side note, does anyone else find it ironic that flies who typically buzz around garbage or feces are still concerned with personal hygiene? Of course, he could have just been licking his lips. I may be giving him more credit than he’s due.
The light turned green, so I began my fun little game again. This time I watched my speed, too. Ten miles per hour; nothing. Fifteen miles per hour; still nothing. Around twenty miles per hour I saw him hunker down closer to the windshield, but then I caught another red light.
Now this was interesting: while we were stopped, he shifted his position. Up to this point he had been kind of diagonal on the windshield. Now he moved to align his weird little fly body his with his head straight down (toward the hood) and his derriere up (toward the roof of the car — yes, I still refuse to call my vehicle a “van”).
With his new position, this little bugger held on until almost seventy miles per hour! I’m not exactly sure where I lost him; I was trying to watch traffic, too, but I know it was somewhere between fifty and seventy-five. Isn’t that amazing? His little fly feet could hold him tight against glass, a surface with no traction, while facing a wind resistance up to seventy miles per hour!
We need to have faith like fly feet.
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” – Hebrews 10:23 (NIV)
Have you ever let go of your faith? Maybe not your faith, but your convictions. I tend to think if everything is going smoothly, then I must be doing what God wants. When the first big wind comes, I doubt what I thought to be true. I’m not talking about abandoning my beliefs or Scriptural truths, but rather what I think God wants me to do — this ministry or that, this path or the one over there. When resistance comes, rarely is my first thought to hunker down and cling tighter to my convictions. Instead I think “Well, I must have been wrong” and I let go.
I know I’m fallible and God is not. Who am I to believe I can fully understand His wishes for me? But who am I to think I deserve a smooth ride just for doing what He asks?
So this is what I’ve learned from a fly:
I would like to add that it’s okay to fail. Unfortunately, my illustration doesn’t go that far. My fly friend may be plastered on the grill of whatever car was behind me. Good thing God loves us more than flies (Matthew 6).
So what have you learned from unexpected sources?
3 comments August 27, 2008
Finding Focus
I wrote a children’s book last month. This month I spent teaching stamp classes, studying magazine markets and starting a new freelance editing project. Next month I’ll be running a new book giveaway over at CCBR. None of this has anything to do with my nonfiction book proposals. Three months pass and I’m not a single step closer to my goal.
Before our vacation one of my writing groups held a discussion about branding, setting a distinct way for people to remember you and what you do. People naturally brand, so the idea is to brand yourself before others give one to you. If you want to be known as a suspense novelist, write great books to earn you that title. Parenting books won’t do the trick. If you want to be known as a missions advocate, speak about your passion, and I don’t mean your baseball card collection. Once people categorize you, it’s difficult to alter their perceptions.
Personally, I wish I had convinced Sunday school workers my son is assertive and passionate before they labeled him as difficult and aggressive. It’s not lying or changing the facts, just putting a positive light on them. We admire assertive and passionate adults. Those same traits in a two-year-old, however, exhaust and frustrate us. I face an uphill battle convincing nay-sayers how wonderful my kid is when they’ve already decided he’s trouble.
Our discussion revolved around pros and cons, hows and whys. A number of members grew concerned. They didn’t want to be pigeon-holed. Is it “wrong” to write more than one genre? To enter diverse markets? One panelist explained it’s not “wrong,” but it’s not expedient either. We can go in different directions at the same time, but we’ll arrive at both destinations much later than if we had just chosen one path.
Rick and I experienced this last month. We were meeting a group of friends for our annual outing to a special resturant. Rick printed Yahoo maps and I copied directions from the website. After some off-roading (nearly driving into a lake), we arrived an hour late — all because we tried to follow two routes at the same time.
I would rather be known as diverse than distracted. But then sometimes distracted is the better word. My time is limited. Spending it playing an online version of Boggle doesn’t help me finish those book proposals. I need to focus.
What is the focus God wants you to have? Are you divided in your endeavors?
We all wear several hats. I’m a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, a neighbor, a daughter. I’m also a writer, a teacher, an encourager, a stamper and scrapbooker. And this is just a glimpse! I’m not saying we can only be defined by one thing. I’m just saying that we need to emphasize the one thing God wants to be our focus. If He wants you to witness to your coworkers, you can’t spend all your time together talking abour movies and never mentioning the Gospel. If God wants you sharing meals with the homeless, you can’t avoid where they live.
Let’s find our focus and reach our destinations.
Photo by Margo C, courtesy of Flickr.com.
3 comments February 24, 2008
More thoughts on Faith
I’m going to bounce you all back to Dale’s site today: Pyretic Ponderings. This blogging friend started our discussion on faith and healing last week. She posted more this week. The post is concise, but insightful. I’m still thinking on it and would love to hear your thoughts as well.
1 comment October 17, 2007
Faith, Healing and Prayer
My friend Dale wrote a thought-provoking post on her blog this week. I wanted to leave a comment for her, but discovered I had too much to say about it. Her church recently hosted a guest speaker who proclaimed the necessity of faith in healing. It’s true Jesus spoke of a relationship between the two; He said several times “Your faith has healed you.” Dale’s question looks at the other side: What about those who are not healed? Is their faith less than sufficient?
13 comments October 10, 2007
Not writing; not in a coma
James Watkins said, in Writers on Writing, “Unless you’re on life-support, you can write.” He, after double-hernia surgery, completed a book project “with two ice packs down [his] pants.” Well, I’m happy for him and I appreciate his point, but … well, he’s wrong. Okay, at least not completely right.
I have been sick for the last two days. The cool thing is I actually completed more writing since becoming sick than I had in the entire two weeks previous. (Chalk up a point for the Mr. Watkins.) However, I accomplished that only because I can’t do anything else. My head pounds if I stand up. There’s nothing on tv during the day. My amazing husband has removed all distractions, otherwise known as Isabel, Zach, laundry and dishes. (Thank you, Rick!!) So, yes, I’ve gotten something done, but is it any good?
9 comments October 2, 2007
Hearing God through the static
I feel like I’ll never catch up. There is so much I want to read and learn and study. So much I want to do and teach and experience. My breath gets short forcing the familiar verse to echo in the back of my head: “Be still and know that I am God,” (Psalm 46:10).
Last week I read an article about Moses and three writers. The author told the four stories parallel with a single connection: hearing the voice of God. He asserted that Moses heard God’s voice in the burning bush because he quieted his location and himself enough to hear God. The author went on to describe these three writers who also found enough quiet to hear God: one in the woods behind his house, one in her living room before the rest of the family awoke and one in her office, sitting before her computer.
3 comments August 19, 2007
