Untitled, unsettled
February 27, 2010
I saw a recent photo of my dad this weekend. His arms wrapped around two of my brothers while the sun drenched them and their wives with happiness.
My dad and I never had a healthy relationship. Never. Even when I tried, when he tried, when all apparent barriers were removed, it just didn’t work. Granted we did not always supply fervent persistence, but for twenty years we tried. For twenty years we failed.
Finally, I gave up. That sounds fatalistic, and perhaps it is, but I just couldn’t do it any more. The effort of trying and never being heard exhausted me. The emotional roller coaster of striving for approval and then almost instantly losing it again. I had been hurt too deeply too often. And I’m sure I hurt him too. I do not claim to be blameless. The cycle never improved, and my ability to survive it diminished.
Should toxic relationships continue? Should they be forced to endure simply because of obligation? Or blood relation? When nothing changes and it never gets better, should one persist?
Most days I feel justified in my choice to pursue him no longer. But then some days, like today, I wonder. I wonder if we ever really knew each other. I wonder if we had spent more time together, if we had tried a little harder, could we have made it work? Maybe I didn’t fully forgive. Maybe my expectations were unfair. Maybe we both judged too quickly. Maybe he has changed in the last ten years. Maybe …
Maybe I’m that seven-year-old girl all over again. Feeling lost and abandoned. Longing for just a hint of unconditional care. Wishing my life were even a little like all the beautiful stories I’ve read in books.
But I’m not that little girl. Once innocent and hopeful, this face now sports wrinkles and sun-spots, both more prevalent with each passing year. Once frivolous and carefree, I now have responsibilities that extend beyond myself. I have a family. I have children to protect. And while part of me wonders what could be, most of me refuses to subject these precious charges to the childhood I endured. Most of me knows I’m not strong enough to withstand the emotional paralysis trying again would likely cause.
A whisper gently encourages me:
“Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Lift up a song for Him who rides through the deserts,
Whose name is the LORD, and exult before Him.
A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
God makes a home for the lonely;
He leads out the prisoners into prosperity,
Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.” (Psalm 68:4–6, NASB)
God is a Father. He is my Father.
He is a Judge and a Defender of those who cannot defend themselves, those who have been wronged and desperately need a warrior on their side. He defends me.
He comforts the lonely. Even me.
He frees prisoners and causes them to rejoice. Even those imprisoned by their past. He frees me from regret and guilt.
If only it were easier to take hold of all He offers.
Entry Filed under: Father,abusive past,family. .
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1.
momlovesbeingathome | February 27, 2010 at 9:28 PM
I can relate, to a certain degree, to what you’re saying. I don’t have a relationship with my father. I have always felt like he was too busy with his “new” family (not new anymore but new after us) to pay attention to me. I tried many times to have a relationship and it seemed like it would work and then I wouldn’t hear from him for a long time – he is always too busy. It’s been about four years since I’ve heard from him this time. I had already decided a long time ago that I was done though. I’m not trying anymore. I’m not going to let him back in so that he can hurt me again. It’s just silly to let someone do that – no matter who they are.
2.
Lynn Mosher | February 27, 2010 at 10:14 PM
Tanya, I’m so sorry your efforts never proved fruitful. It is a difficult decision whether to go on trying or to give up. May you be comfortable in whatever your decision. I know you know that your heavenly Father can be all to you that you need. I pray He comforts you and fills you with His love and care. Be blessed!
3.
carpoolqueen | February 28, 2010 at 2:18 PM
I have a different relationship with my father than my older brothers do. Theirs is fractured. Mine is complete. It has been the source of many many discussions between the siblings as to how that all happened, but it has been nothing short of a miracle to see the work that God has done in their lives at a very late stage in life.
4.
Kelly | February 28, 2010 at 7:13 PM
I have always thought that pursuing a ‘toxic’ relationship with someone merely because they are family is at best self-destructive. We purse them harder, although the rejection hurts more.
I am not talking about forgiveness issues or making peace with your past. But for some reason I find that when it comes to family we lose the boundaries that protect us (and our families) that we would have in place for ANY other relationship.
I know for me part of is that family has been there for so long. Think of the destruction that divorce has after something like 10 years of marriage. When do you CHOOSE to walk away from something that you have invested in for essentially you whole life like a relationship with a parent or sibling.
BUT
while God talks about the importance of maintaining and having perfect unity in marriage, he never discusses other familial relations as being more important than relationships outside of family. If anything MERELY pointing out the need to abandon other relationships if necessary to pursue HIM more perfectly .
Wow did I not mean to ramble on…
5.
kellie@LaVidaDulce | February 28, 2010 at 8:20 PM
Your transparency here is beautiful.
THank you.
6.
Gordon Atkinson | March 1, 2010 at 5:43 PM
Honest as always Tanya,
I’m featuring this piece in our high calling blogs news that goes out this week.
thanks,
gordon
7.
jodiq | March 5, 2010 at 10:46 AM
Family is a tough one and you name so many truths about boundaries and forgiveness and reconciliation. I sometimes wonder why we get the family members we do…is there a point? Am I to learn some profound truth?
You name a good one…they, whether to want to or not, give us the opportunity to grow closer to God. Maybe as we grow closer to God our hearts open to them in new ways, in ways that are life-giving to both of us…
Saying a prayer for your relationship with your dad…
Jodi
8.
Audra Krell | March 5, 2010 at 11:51 AM
Thanks to Gordon for featuring this fabulous piece! I relate to your post, it resonates very deeply with me. I get confused and scared about what it means to honor our parents biblically, I’ve found that I can honor my father, through small prayers. I struggle with not being in relationship with him and am intrigued by Kelly’s thoughts on marital unity and how that relates to extended relationships. I’m pitching my first book, it’s on abandonment, and I’m so encouraged by honest, authentic posts like yours Tanya.
9.
whimzie | March 8, 2010 at 3:33 PM
Dealing with some of these issues right now in my own family. It took us so long to get healthy. I’m not sure I want to risk that health on people who really don’t want to be any different than they are.
I hate that you struggle with toxic relationships too, but it is comforting to know that my family is not alone.