Daily Archives: September 11, 2009

I once heard a story of a man riding the subway with his daughter. He held in his lap a large bag filled with metal tools. His seven-year-old daughter sitting next to him asked a question. I can’t remember exactly what it was, something about sex or another adult topic. The father handed her the heavy bag and asked her to carry it for him. She replied “Papa, I can’t! I’m not strong enough.” He answered that when she was old enough, she would be strong enough to carry it. In the same way, when she was old enough and strong enough to carry the answers to her questions, he would give them to her.

I don’t want to burden my children with answers and information they are not strong enough to carry. Children need children’s loads. They may ask adult questions, but as the adults, we are responsible to determine how much they can carry.

The responses to my 2012 Days post made three things evident. First: not many of you are familiar with that part of my story (my family’s history of sexual abuse). Second: my story is not unique; many of you are dealing with similar challenges. Third: a little bit of openness can help a lot of people.

That post was written with one intent: to praise God for protecting my children and giving them an extended innocence, one longer than that which I experienced. This post, however, will deal more with the specific questions asked and the answers I gave to Ellie on that day. Everybody seemed to want to know HOW I answered the questions.

Some with pasts similar to mine avoid the questions all together. Others give far too many details. I hope I’m somewhere in between.

I write this post acknowledging I am an expert at nothing, least of all parenting. I write this not from superior wisdom, but from experience, and with the hope that someone somewhere will be encouraged, challenged or somehow helped.

All right. Without further procrastination, here are the main questions and how I answered them.

Q: Why doesn’t your daddy live with Granny? What is divorce?
A: Divorce is what happens when a man and wife decide they don’t want to be married any more.

Ellie (my wedding-obsessed child) and I have had several discussions about marriage, how important it is, how those promises are made to each other before God. She knows it’s serious stuff and, up to this point, had never considered the possibility that anyone would ever try to take back those promises. The tricky part is explaining honestly what divorce is without mistakenly giving your child new fears. “If Mommy’s mommy and daddy got divorced, maybe mine will too!” Because I don’t want our children to fear, I reiterated how much I love their father and how much he loves me. I explained that everyone means those promises when they say them, but sometimes people forget. Mommy and Daddy, however, still mean those promises today and tomorrow and the day after that. I also reminded them how much we love God and seek to honor Him in all that we do.

Q: Why would someone who loves God break their promises to Him?

When the time and questions come, I plan to tell our children that my father didn’t know God when he was my daddy. (He may know Him now; I don’t know, but that’s a discussion for another day.) People who don’t know God, don’t know how to please God. Even if they make promises to God, they don’t always know what that means. And if they don’t know what it means, it’s almost impossible for them to keep those promises.

When Ellie asked this question, though, she referred specifically to my mom. She knows Granny loves God more than anyone or anything else in existence and simply couldn’t fathom why Granny would do anything to hurt God or make Him sad. My answer is quite specific to our situation, but (as noted before) our situation is not unique. Here’s how our discussion went.

A: My daddy was not a nice man. He did some very bad things and he hurt children. Granny was given a choice: to keep her wedding promises or to protect her children — me and my sister and brothers. She loved her children so much, she chose to keep us safe. That meant she had to get a divorce. God is always sad when people break their promises, but God loves it very much when parents protect and love their children. It’s our most important job.

Q: What did your daddy do? Why was he mean to children?
A: When you’re older we’ll talk about it more. Right now all you need to know is that he did some things he shouldn’t have and that children were hurt because of it. More important than that, though, is that Granny loved her children enough to get them away and keep them safe, as best she knew how. And God helped her! Mommy and Daddy love you the same way. We will always do our very best to keep you safe because we love you and we want God’s best for you.

Q: Did your daddy love you?
A: Sometimes people get confused about what love means. I know my daddy thought I was very special.

—–

More questions will come, I know. I’m already formulating some of my answers. I’ve not given a ton of details here; I don’t think it’s necessary — especially for children as young as mine, but also for internet publication. This is not a matter of telling all without purpose. It’s a matter of telling enough that some may be helped. If you want to discuss details or if you have specific questions, feel free to email me.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
– Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)