WFMW in Reverse
Typically Works for Me Wednesday encourages me to post something very helpful, something I’ve found that works. This week it’s running in reverse. I get to ask YOU for help with something! I like this much better because I’m confident all of you know way more than I do. I just talk more. So here’s my question:
How do you get your kids to clean their rooms and take proper care of their things?
I know, I know it’s the never-answered question, but I need help! Our general rule is that you must put away one thing before pulling out another. This is not to say you can’t play with more than one thing at a time IF you are actually playing with it. But it is impossible to play with EVERYTHING at the same time, and so what is not being used must be put away first. This works well when the kids actually do it. But sometimes they don’t, and the mess simply snowballs. Sometimes I don’t enforce the rule as I should, like when we have friends over or host play dates.
We’ve tried just everything I can think of to stave off an avalanche: a reward system, a daily magnetic chore chart, taking toys away, taking room decor away (My girl loves her pink curtains more than anything!), restricting playtime with friends and even grounding them from going outside on a gorgeous day … like yesterday.
After more than a week of impassable rooms — Literally. There was no place to walk without stepping on something. — I gave them a deadline. Anything not put away by 5pm would be thrown away. Before you think I’m cruel, understand this ultimatum came after I had already cleaned most of both their rooms. I do help them clean! But I also want them to take responsibility and care properly for their toys. Messy rooms lead to broken and lost toys. Anyway, after making the declaration, I reminded them several times throughout the day, but they just kept ignoring the threat and the deadline. I set a timer to remind them when the deadline was just fifteen minutes away. Come 5pm their rooms were still disastrous and I had no choice but to fill a very large bag with their floor droppings. The girl cried so severely we thought she would vomit. The boy calmly helped me put his favorite toys into the garbage bag and then pointed out toys I had missed in my first round.
So now what do I do? Do I REALLY throw away everything I took? Or stash it in the garage to be given back as rewards later? Will that diminish my threat and authority?
Okay, so that’s more than one question, but you can help me – right?
To read more dilemmas and share your wisdom visit Works for Me Wednesday at We Are THAT Family.
Posted on April 1, 2009, in WFMW. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.
Oh, wow! That’s a tough question. First off, I get my girls to help by having a couple of cleaning times throughout the day. They have to pick up their toys before lunch and before dinner. The meals aren’t served until the toys are picked up. That way, it doesn’t get overwhelming for anyone.
As for your prediciment, I would at least put the toys away for quite some time. You may also want to consider throwing at least some away since that’s what you told them you would do. Or maybe it would be best to restrict them for a while and explain that saying you would throw them out was harsh, but that they had to show that they could be responsible with their toys before they could have them back.
I hope you get some good suggestions. This can be a real point of struggle.
My daughter and I have no problem in this area, every night she cleans her room before she gets in bed. BUT the boy’s room is a different story, in fact I used this for my WFMW post this morning, it’s a mess, I want them to live and be happy, but that room must be clean when they get in bed at night. So far, that has worked, but everymorning as soon as they wake up it seems to fall apart befor their feet hit the ground. Oh well, we’re still working on it.
Not to be speaking doomsday to you, but you’re fighting a losing battle. Mine are 11 and 13, and we still struggle with this.
I DO employ the bulldozer method when it gets bad. I take a laundry basket or a large paper grocery sack and fill it with everything on the floor. I stash it in my closet and wait until they notice something they covet is not around. They don’t get it back immediately upon noticing (for in that case, I would simply be their maid). They wait for a few days. Suffer. heh heh heh. (Oh, I sound terrible, don’t I?)
When there is time and motivation, we then get together either as a team to put away/throw away/give away the items, or I allow them to go through the sack for what they want. Any unwanted stuff goes directly to the ARC box.
It works, but it definitely hasn’t solved my problem. I aspire to have children who are as organized as I am, but I think they inherited their father’s organizing gene.
Oh my – my girls (6&8) share a room that is capital M Messy most of the time. I have struggled with this, and have resorted to cleaning it myself by getting rid of things (because it’s mostly messy due to too much stuff). I’ve bribed, threatened and cajoled. These days I encourage them to do 15 minutes a day, and give them a hand once a week to pick up/put away. The rest of the time – I just close the door.
I would first go through the toys and donate what they are not playing with. Cause if the toys are “hard” to clean up then there isn’t enough space for the toys. I would downsize your toy collection then get appropriate bins for each grouping of toys. Like all action figures in a bin, all baby dolls and clothes and bottle in one bin, all pet shop pals in a bin, all thomas the trains and tracks in a bin. Then clean up is easy because all they have to do is get the right toy in the right bin. It all fits all the time with no special organizing. Plus with down sizing, they aren’t pulling out toys to get to other toys making a bigger mess.
Hope it helps! Good luck.
I agree with Amy that it helps to downsize the amount of toys they have. We are getting ready to move and in order to show our house I have had to pack away a lot of toys. They don’t even seem to miss them as long as I have left some of their favorites (generally interactive toys, legos, dolls, games etc. the ones that require creativity and therefore keep them engaged longer) . We donated a lot to charity and then labeled the others in boxes. I have decided to pull out one box every one or two weeks. It will be like Christmas for months! Meanwhile they will be busy while I unpack other stuff. It may work for you to pack some toys, store them, and rotate them.
We also use the “15 min until dinner, you may eat when your mess is cleaned up”
I have also learned with my 2 boys that if you make THEM agree how to divide the work fairly, we spend less time yelling and crying and more negotiating and getting the work done. GOOD LUCK!
Even though it will be painful for you, I think you must throw away (hopefully give away) the toys, since that’s what you said you’d do. If you give them back after a while, the kids will know you don’t make good on your threats
I think going through toys periodically and having the kids donate them to other children is a great idea.
Another idea is having them sit in a time out, then telling them they must pick up. If they don’t, they get another time out. And on and on until they comply. No fun for Mommy, but if they know there are consequences, they’ll learn it’s a lot more fun to clean up the first time.
I’ve found that fun music while cleaning up works for us. I have a jazzy clean up song I found online. Before we start cleaning I say, “Let’s see if we can get everything picked up by the time the song plays through.” So far, we’ve only finished after a second pass of the song, but this makes it a game. You can also say things like: “Can you finish picking up before Mommy?” Or something similar, bringing out your kids’ competitive instincts.
Good luck!
Kristina
I remember going through this with our 3 sons. I remember it more when they were a little older – maybe 6-12. First I would try the method of thinking they just might do this on their own, but then I would drag the trash can into their room and begin the process. Usually it was about once a month. Collections was the biggest mess – stones, bottle caps, etc. Eventually they got so they didn’t want my help and actually kept their rooms neater. I am sorry to say (for myself) that they are all 3 more organized and neater than I, now that they are adults. I guess when our boys were young like your Ellie and Zack that there was not a ton of toys and they were actually were not kept in their bedroom. Chin up, it can only get better — or worse
Carol
Just thought of another idea – and maybe someone has already mentioned this. Box up some of their “stuff” – preferably when they are not there watching you. Then in a couple of months exchange the stuff and box up some more of their things. What is surprising, sometimes they don’t even miss some of it.
Carol
http://surviving-motherhood.blogspot.com/ This is another blog I read and thought you’d like her idea.
I think since you made the threat, you need to make good on it or lose their trust and have it be ten times harder the next time. After all, you warned them several times, so it wasn’t a big surprise to them. I’d absolutely donate the toys. Don’t think of it as wasting money, etc — the toys go to a good cause (other children in need), it clears up physical and mental space for your kids and you, and it shows you mean what you say. Then go through what’s left and downsize with your kids so that what they have can truly be picked up.
I think that if you threaten and don’t follow through, you are setting yourself up for even more disobedience in the future since your kids will see that you’re bluffing…. not that I’m perfect here, and my kids are younger, but we’ve had to backtrack ourselves (from wimping out) and restart the process, with much better results. Even if it was a bit of a harsh threat, it doesn’t matter — follow through and perhaps think about what you will do next time in the clear light of day rather than in the heat of the moment. Don’t think of it as a mean threat, think of it as “consequences.” You’re actually training them for life at school, away from home, etc!
And make the consequences very matter-of-fact… don’t get pulled into their emotional state. (My brother and SIL are fabulous at this.)
Good luck… it’s hard to be the mean mommy, but SO worth the results.