Monthly Archives: March 2009
Wanna join my team?
Once again I woke up early to write, but promptly allowed myself to get distracted by other things. Stupid thing. Time-wasting things. I don’t have time to waste! In precisely four minutes little feet will sound their pitter-patter down the steps and this fantasy of being a writer will fade like the morning fog. My real life will take over. I won’t be Tanya Dennis, respected author and theological thinker. Nope. I’ll be Mama, slave to children, laundry and home.
So, what did I accomplish this morning? Let’s see … I went to the bathroom. I wrote and rewrote one sentence of a query several times. I checked my email, both accounts. I changed my facebook status and got sucked into that abyss of the cyberworld. Now, thirty-seven precious minutes later, I can hardly remember the brilliance of this query? What was it about? What were those perfect sentence I drafted while lying awake in bed? Those pearls strung beautifully in line are now scattered across the floor of my mind.
Remind me: why do I keep the internet on my computer?
Better yet: why am I so utterly undisciplined? So easily distracted?
I’m revisiting a book I started last year: Time to Write. Humor me while I tell you a snowball story.
Within the past three months I’ve been struck (hard) by the rate at which children grow. I’m always known and often repeated the mantra of “the days are long, but the years are short.” I’ve worked diligently to never wish away my days. I’ve been very intentional about relishing every moment I have with my children, yet somehow I feel like I’m not witnessing enough. I’m not involved enough. I’m not teaching enough. I’m not experiencing this moment of my life (yes, five years is just a moment) with them to its full extent. This revelation has been painfully tangible to me recently as I watched my daughter turn five, as I realized in just seven short months both our kids will be in school, and my life will be vastly different than it is now.
Upon this realization, I decided to put my writing on hold. Other than my blog I haven’t done anything. I haven’t offered any submissions. I haven’t written any query letters, chapters, outlines or ideas. I haven’t even done any editing! Nothing. This sounds like a wonderful, sacrificial commitment. I’m putting my kids and my family first – right? Right. Except that it’s not working. None of my projects or project ideas have agreed to stay on the shelf. They bombard me with better sentence structure, a clearer illustrative story, a more attention-grabbing first line or a marketing idea.
When I first started writing, I met several authors who claimed “writing is like breathing; you just can’t stop.” Since I reluctantly (kicking and screaming) followed this call, I didn’t understand what they meant. Being a former artist, I understood the use-it-or-lose-it truth, but not the compulsive addiction part. Now I get it. I’m trying to stop! I’m trying to sacrifice all for my family, but I’m finding that sacrificing all simply creates a zombie. I’m going through the motions with my mind a thousand miles (or a thousand words) away.
So. I desperately want to focus on my family and I don’t want to be a zombie, so I think I need to schedule some regular writing time in order to get it out of my system so I can be mentally present during what should be quality time. (How’s that for a run-on sentence?) Enter Time to Write. It (at least the parts I’ve read)suggests just this: scheduling writing time into your life instead of waiting for your life to just give you uninterrupted, limitless reign with just you and your laptop. But, again, what good is scheduled time if I spend it all skipping through facebook or other flower-filled meadows of the internet?
I need discipline and, after 32 years of living with me, I know I can’t do it alone. I don’t want to call this a thorn in my side, but it is definitely a life-long struggle. I want to be disciplined and organized, but it just does not come naturally to me. I want to be efficient and productive with my time, but my easy-going, hippy-loving brain would rather just do what I feel the moment needs to be fulfilled. I want the respect of an adult, but I don’t want to grow up to get it. I’m still waiting for my life to begin. But I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of floating. I want to be intentional, purposeful, focused … but without losing my spontaneity or appreciation for moments that can’t be recaptured.
What is the point of this post? Pray for me. This season for me is one of physical rest but internal struggle. We don’t have a ton of activity going on in our lives, but I’m fighting mental battles, spiritual struggles, past demons I thought were buried. I would love to have some prayer warriors on my side.
If you’re willing, please comment or email me with your commitment to pray regularly — once a week, once a month, once a day, whatever! I’ll take it! Pray for my family for spiritual growth, for protection, for vision and direction. Pray for my writing that I would be disciplined and wise with my time and that God would use me to accomplish His will. I have no idea where this will lead. Maybe he has books in my future or maybe just articles. Maybe just this blog or local studies. I don’t know, but I don’t want to miss the boat. He is working and I want to be ready when He needs me. I want to be where He is doing what He wants me to do. So what do you think? Can you join a prayer team?
All my cares
I haven’t blogged much lately, and I’m sorry about that. It’s not that I haven’t had much to say; it’s just that what I have to say probably shouldn’t be published for all the world to see. What could be published, for some reason, won’t align itself in any cohesive manner within me. I’m left simply praying, “God help me.”
Within the past three weeks my grandmother died, my mom came for a visit (we only see each other twice a year since she lives and works 800 miles away), my daughter turned five (an emotionally-chaged age considering my family’s abusive history), my estranged father contacted me after ten years of silence (seemingly with the sole purpose of attacking and berating me), and I finished teaching a 5-month Bible study on Ruth. I am exhausted and I don’t know what to do with most of this, especially the situation with my dad.
“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your
anxiety on Him,because He cares for you.
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert your adversary, the devil,
prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences
of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace,
who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect,
confirm, strengthen and establish you.
To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
- 1 Peter 5:6-11 (NAS)
Many things pop out from this passage: we will be exalted when the time is right; we are under attack; be strong because the weak go down first; we’re not alone in our suffering nor our experiences; God will be glorified. But I keep tripping on one little phrase: “… casting all your anxiety on Him …” Not some of your anxiety, not a few of your biggest cares, but ALL.
This is where I struggle. I want to handle things on my own. I want to just take care of the little stuff and then let Him handle the big stuff.
The next phrase always corrects me: “… because He cares for you.” He doesn’t care for some of me nor only when I do the right things or after I’ve already handled the small stuff myself. No. He cares for me unconditionally and without fail. He is beyond faithful in His pursuit of me! He cares for me so much that even the “little” things are big things to Him.
Once again I beg God to take it all from me. I don’t ask to be released from trials, but only that He would loosen my prideful grip in order to accept His help and wisdom. Take my cares and show me what to do with them.
Horton Hears the Gospel
Mama loves when they “get it.”
I love to watch my kids learn, but even more I love to witness the “getting it” of spiritual truths. This goes one step beyond understanding to accepting as truth. It’s the most amazing thing! Then there are times they get it more than I do. They pinpoint connections I’ve missed and amplify for me the very truths I’ve ignored. Draw all these moments together and I am absolutely thrilled. I’m overwhelmed. My skin tingles, my heart flutters, my every breath and very existence praises God!
We don’t watch many movies around here, a side effect of parenthood. When we do see movies (that are less than five years old) it’s on a date (all three Bourne movies and … huh. The last movie we saw in the theatre before that was Finding Nemo.) or we rent a kids’ movie. Believe it or not, I actually paid to see Space Buddies recently. Space Buddies! What happened to me? A movie with talking dogs going to the moon?! Yup. Kids change everything.
I digress.
We also rented the new Horton Hears a Who featuring the voices of Jim Carrey, Steve Carell and Carol Burnett. Carol Burnett! I love that woman. I wanted to be her, complete with ear-tug. It’s really a great movie. With a few caveats, which I’ll detail in a minute, I can’t recommend it highly enough! I loved it and had to buy the DVD the same week. (By the way, the best price I found for the DVD was on Amazon. They even beat Target with a coupon.)
A couple days after watching, Ellie made an announcement on our way to school. “Mom, we’re the speck and Jesus takes good care of us – right?”
She gets it! The movie never mentions God or Jesus or anything religious, but she made the connection without me ever explaining it to her. Of course, I already saw the many spiritual connections in the plot — the faithfulness, devotion, high value of life upheld, forgiveness, someone greater caring for the lesser, faith in the unseen — but I didn’t think my kids, ages 3 and 5, would parallel this fun Dr. Seuss story with God’s truth. But they did. And I love it.
Your turn! What thrilled you this week? What little miracles did you witness?
Click over to this post to read more about Mama Loves, my weekly exercise in Philippians 4:8-9.
Now for the caveats about the movie. My standards for movies change as my kids grow, not only because they can handle more, but because they repeat more. With that in mind, here are my warnings about this fabulous movie:
- It employs a few select words that I don’t want my kids to repeat: boob, idiot, and “shut up.” These are all used innocently enough, but I still don’t like my kids refering to foolishness as “boobery”, a term also used in the movie. Some parents might also like to know: one character claims her imaginary world is filled with ponies who “poop butterflies.” I thought that was funny, but some might find it offensive.
- Two characters are definitely scary for younger children: the kangaroo, “self-proclaimed head of the Jungle of Nool,” and the vulture, Vlad, a rather scary guy who chases Horton and regurgitates bones in a very spooky cave. Even at 5, Ellie won’t watch the sceens with Vlad unless I’m in the room.
- Finally, and I don’t think the kids get this, but maybe they do: in one sceen the chairman berates the mayor in a sound-proof dome. Through the glass we see him pointing to the mayor and then to a picture of a horse’s behind. Kids are smart. It won’t take long for them to connect the dots and start calling each other butthead or something worse.
These things are SO SMALL, but I insist on being well-informed when it comes to my kids and feel an obligation to offer the same courtesy when recommending anything to other parents for their kids.
One last warning: your kids might get stuck on the big musical number at the end. Ellie especially loves belting out “I can’t fight this feeling anymore!” with Horton and the Whos. She and Zach have the choreography down pat and, after repeating that one sceen fifty times a day, I wake each morning with that lovely tune firmly planted in my brain. Oh, mama loves her kids.
Heather also did a review on this movie. Check out her thoughts here.
Oh, and in case anyone is interested, I do not recommend Space Buddies. It was like a mental labotomy, no offense to the creative people who will undoubtedly make a lot of money from it.
My mom is here!
My mom, unfortunately, can only visit us twice a year. This is one of those weeks and I’m so excited! Consider this your warning of possible sporatic blogging this week. I’m having a great time and don’t want to miss a moment of our week together.
In other news, the New York City Public Schools have a snow day today. This is the first in five years. FIVE YEARS!! We get a ton of snow every year. How is this possible? Can you imagine being in fifth grade and having your very first snow day? So, happy play, kids! Enjoy it. You may not get another until high school.
