Monthly Archives: October 2008
Sick Love
If you want to witness love personified, watch a mother with her sick child.
Often times I doubt my ability to be a good mom. I make mistakes every single day. But then there are days when I watch myself as if through a glass ceiling. Call it an “out of body experience” or whatever, but it’s like I’m seeing myself and wondering how I do it. I know it’s not me; it’s Christ working through me and it’s amazing. Tonight was one of those times.
Ellie’s sick. At first I thought she was faking it just to get out of eating dinner. (It can be worse than pulling teeth to get this girl to eat sometimes.) We let her lay down on the couch while we ate, fully expecting her to ask for ice cream once the plates were cleaned up. But no. She lay whimpering in a ball, running a fever with chills. I felt awful for doubting her. By the end of the night, the couch slipcovers were in the washer and I was plucking pieces of vomit from her hair as she fell back to sleep.
I abhor that smell. I’ve washed my hands a dozen times, and that smell is still clinging to my skin. Under any other circumstances I would be totally disgusted. And yet, through that ceiling, I saw the most patient mom tonight. Where did she come from? She didn’t raise her voice or even sigh at the inconvenience. She didn’t complain about being tired or having no time to herself; she simply hugged her daughter and convinced her everything would be all right. She prayed instead of grumbled and didn’t think twice about the extra load of laundry she had to do.
I wish I saw that mom more often.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. “Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Corinthians 13
Finding a red light
A familiar sound echoed across our hardwood floors: a hurried pitter-patter followed by the distinct clink of a toilet lid. I listened. Silence. That’s never a good sign. I ran to the bathroom to find everything right – the child in the right room, the potty seat in place, the lid raised, the shower curtain still closed – except my son who was frozen solid and peeing freely on the floor. I pulled down his pants and tried to seat him, but Zach was too upset.
“Buddy, can you stop peeing?” The answer was obvious as the stream continued to arc in every direction but the still waters of the porcelain throne. I tried to stand my guy in front of the urinal (which, by the way, has found a permanent home in the bathroom rather than the living room. HGTV never featured my trend!), but it was too late.
”There’s no more pee-pee, Mommy.” Dejected and frustrated, he surrendered defeat.
”It’s okay, honey. We’ll just try to get to the bathroom sooner next time.”
My heart broke for the little guy. He was trying so hard, but he just couldn’t stop. How do I teach that?
The better question is: how do I learn that?
Whenever I get in “the zone,” I can’t stop. I may physically stop, but my mind is still going full speed ahead in whatever direction that may be. Yes, I am physically with my kids and I’m trying to be there mentally as well, but where am I really? I’m thinking about all the housework that needs to be done or mentally listing the people I need to call. I look like I’m sipping Earl Grey, but truly I’m writing. I’m trying to catalog the edits I need to make or memorize the perfect word for that troublesome paragraph, which unfortunately only pops into my head between the first and second courses of a princess tea party.
And I’m a terrible actress. Either that or my kids are mind-readers. They know when I’m not “present.” Ellie has banned books from her tea parties. She and Zach both have built a sort of sibling rivalry with Ruthie, my laptop. Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have named my computer, but she tends to go with me wherever I go and it just seemed like an appropriate name for her. They know when I’m zoning and they like it just as much as I do urine on the floor.
So, here’s the question: how do I stop? I want to be with my kids and I want them to know I’m there, but sometimes my brain simply refuses to engage in playing. No offense to dolls and trains, but it’s hard for a thirty-something mama to get into those games sometimes. Any suggestions?
Photo by Vicky Herrala.
A call to pray
Once again I’m overwhelmed by the need to pray. So many people are hurting! Marriages are falling apart; friends who desperately want to have children continue to suffer miscarriages, or can’t conceive at all. Other friends don’t understand the treasures they have and contemplate throwing it all away through abortion. Neighbors don’t know Christ and are not yet ready to hear. There are health issues, job issues, financial issues, relationship issues and none of this even touches what’s happening around the world. This is all just in my little circle of friends and family. Outside that circle the reasons to pray multiply exponentialy. Millions of people are lost and haven’t a clue where to find salvation; some don’t even know where to find food. People are dying of disease, starvation, lonliness, genocide … Who can help them? Who will defend them?
I am ashamed of myself. Last week I told you about the journey our church is taking of fasting and feasting. I’ve been fasting, but forgetting to attend the feast. Sure, I’m not wasting time on TV reruns or playing mind-numbing games on Facebook; I’m not spending all that time socializing. But I’m not spending the found time with God. I’ve cleaned my house and read some new books. I’ve even done a little papercrafting. I’ve hung new curtains and planned ways to reorganize furniture. I’m caught up on laundry. All of these are fine things to do, but none of it helps me know God, does it? None of it draws me closer to His heart. And here I am staring at an enormous mountain of needs. I am overwhelmed and ashamed at my pathetic waste of time.
Oh, Lord, have mercy on me! Just like Isaiah I cry “Woe is me!” and then just as quickly ask God to use me. I may not be able to do anything. I can’t rescue orphans in Tanzania or feed the starving in Ethiopia; I can’t save marriages or make wombs fruitful, but I can pray. Prayer, even though it seems minimal and certainly inactive, is often the very best thing to do.
Here am I, Lord! Send me, use me, change me. Open my eyes that I may see what I can do and then motivate my hands and feet to obey. Until then, make me steadfast in prayer for those whose feet are already on the move and those to whom You have sent them.
We had a GREAT time at the concert on Friday! If you or your kids aren’t hooked on Go Fish yet, give ‘em a try!
My favorite CD is “Superstar.” However, their newest album, which I’ve not yet heard in its entirety, is called “Party Like a Preschooler” and comes out within the next couple weeks.
I stocked up at the concert. Christmas gifts, people! And they just might turn into great witnessing tools for the kids’ friends and their families. You never know what God might do through “little” somethings.
We had a GREAT time at the concert on Friday! If you or your kids aren’t hooked on Go Fish yet, give ‘em a try!
My favorite CD is “Superstar.” However, their newest album, which I’ve not yet heard in its entirety, is called “Party Like a Preschooler” and comes out within the next couple weeks.
I stocked up at the concert. Christmas gifts, people! And they just might turn into great witnessing tools for the kids’ friends and their families. You never know what God might do through “little” somethings.
Guess who we’re seeing tonight!
Ellie woke each morning this week with the same question: “Is it Friday yet??” Well, today is Friday and that means … we have Go Fish is in concert tonight!! Woo-hoo! The kids have been waiting for this all year. The event was only slightly eclipsed by Grandparents Day at school this morning. But, after a grand time showing off her classroom, teachers and crafts, they’re now on their way home and the house is bursting with Fishy anticipation. Thought I should share a taste with you. Enjoy.
Just a blurb
Today’s post will be short. Here’s a blurb from yesterday’s reading in A Call to Die.
Be receptive. When He speaks, be still. Listen. It’s not necessarily audible. It’s even louder. It is straight to the heart. God doesn’t need your ears to get your attention.
I love the idea of God’s voice being louder than we can hear.
A Call to Die
Yesterday our church started a corporate journey, forty days of “fasting from the world and feasting on God.” This is the book we’re using: A Call to Die by David Nasser. I invite you to join us. I won’t be writing about it each day, but I’m sure some of it may seep into this blog. It might be nice to go through this together.
Today is Day 2 and I’m already struggling. Here’s the deal. For this forty-day-period, we’re supposed to fast from something, kind of like Lent. My problem is I can’t think of what to fast from.
I can’t cut out the internet or email because, well, it’s just impractical. It’s the only way I communicate with too many of my friends and family.
I could cut out TV, but I don’t want to punish the whole family with a sacrifice I intend only for myself. Besides, I have waited MONTHS for The Office to come back. I know, I know – fasting should be wholehearted, but it’s really our date night. Rick and I look forward to our time together in front of the tube all week. We can’t afford a babysitter every week, so Thursday TV must be upheld in order to maintain a good healthy marriage. Such is my reasoning anyway.
I’ve considered cutting the phone, makeup (which I don’t wear everyday anyway), books and extended hot showers. My problem is I can think of reasons why I need all of these things! As a mom, I am sacrificing myself every single day for hours at a time. I don’t know which of these little, trivial luxuries of mine I could honestly live without and still maintain sanity. Granted, I lived without makeup and hot showers in Bosnia, but that was before I had kids, before I had two little beings completely dependant upon me for everything.
Before I get any more letters about my negative attitude toward motherhood, I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING A MOM!! I LOVE being a mother; I love my children more than life itself and I would do anything for them. But I also know that when I have a few little luxuries for myself — some time to write, an extra long shower, a half hour of TV once a week — when I have these tiny moments of revitalization, I am a better mom. If I don’t get them, I become resentful and bitter. I hate being a bitter mom. And I’m not the only one who feels this way. Just today I spoke with two separate women who were really excited about an upcoming day when their husbands and kids were going away. They couldn’t wait! Both were planning, through sparkling eyes, how they would spend their time of solitude.
So, what do I do? Do I risk becoming grumpy and resentful for the sake of a self-imposed challenge? Do I trust God to somehow change the pattern I’ve learned is consistent? Or do I just skip this part of the journey?
The book recommends we fast “from certain everyday things that occupy your time, so that it clears you to feast on God.” What takes up so much of my time that I can’t worship God more completely? I’ve got it! LAUNDRY!! No, wait, cleaning the house. Dishes? It’s perfect! If I get a maid for the next forty days, I’ll be a happy mother, a contented wife, and a servant wonderfully free to be gluttonous over God.
What’s on my nightstand … er, floor
I called my mom the other day to tell her I saw the final Baxter book at the library. Amazon told me it wouldn’t be released until the end of October, so I was shocked and knew she would be excited. She burst my bubble by telling me she had already purchased and read it and, oh! was I going to love it. Unfortunately, as I stood in my bedroom next to these piles of books (representative of many, many more piles throughout my house), I told her I can’t buy any more books. Yup. I’m placing myself on a book-buying freeze. Hopefully this time I’ll still to it.
I know you can’t see all the titles in this picture (some of which I’ve already finished reading, some of which I’ve not yet opened). You can read reviews of some over at my Bookshelf, but for now I’ll just fill you in a bit of what’s helping me maintain an adult vocabulary. My reading habits break out into basic categories.
- PARENTING BOOKS: I mentioned one earlier this week, but there are several. I usually grab a chapter at a time from a handful of books until I finish them or find a more urgent need to address. Right now I’m focusing on the balance aspect of parenting: how to keep everything in perspective and parent with purpose, how to make my days with these kids extremely intentional rather that just a season of survival. This includes Chasing God and the Kids, Too! and The Mission of Motherhood.
- WRITING BOOKS: My favorite right now is On Writing Well by William Zinsser. It’s fantastic. Of course, I’ve also got a couple writers market guides and, if I ever find time to read it, I’ll grab that copy of Time to Write.
- BIBLE STUDY: Last spring I led a study of Esther; this year I’m leading our moms group through Ruth. Some of the resources pictured are fictionalized accounts of these Biblical characters like The Road Home, Ebony Moon and Unshaken. Others are nonfiction studies like books by Sandra Glahn and Chuck Swindoll. And then there are the books I’m reading just for my personal growth, like No Other Gods and Splash the Living Water. Oh, there’s just so much to read and not enough time to read it all!!
- NOVELS: When I’m overwhelmed by all I want to learn, I shut down with a novel. It’s so cozy. My favorite genre is historical fiction, but lately I’ll dive into anything with quality writing and interesting characters. Recently (like within the past six months) I’ve started to enjoy literary novels. Water for Elephants was my first. It was amazing! Right now I’m reading The White Mary. It’s definitely got my attention.
There you go. A snapshot of what I’d be doing were I on vacation right now. Until the next big trip, I’ll chisel away one lone paragraph at a time. So, what’s on your nightstand?
Coincidence?
It has been said: “Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.” Lately I’ve been thinking (and writing) a lot about the God who sees, how He knows everything about us and loves us thoroughly, how he sees our heartaches and our triumphs, our strengths and our weaknesses. As “coincidence” would have it, two friends recently posted about something similar. To quote Kellie: “God lavishly loves us by knowing the desires of our heart. He knows and understands the longings we don’t want to admit we have.”
Check it out. Two posts about generous answers to unspoken prayers and the unceasing, unfathomable love our Creator pours out on us.
