Monthly Archives: September 2007
2am mind-fields
Ich bete wieder, du Erlauchter
Today I just want to share a poem with you. It was written by Rainer Maria Rilke and can be found in Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God. The original work was written in German. Since I know very few German words, I cannot vouche for the translation*. I can, however, attest to the fathomless sincerity of this prayer; the utter humility before a holy God.
I am praying again, Awesome One. 
You hear me again, as words
from the depths of me
rush toward you in the wind.
I’ve been scattered in pieces,
torn by conflict,
mocked by laughter,
washed down in drink.
In alleyways I sweep myself up
out of garbage and broken glass.
With my half-mouth I stammer you,
who are eternal in your symmetry.
I lift to you my half-hands
in wordless beseeching, that I may find again
the eyes with which I once beheld you.
I am a house gutted by fire
where only the guilty sometimes sleep
before the punishment that devours them
hounds them out into the open.
I am a city by the sea
sinking into a toxic tide.
I am a stranger to myself, as though someone unknown
had poisoned my mother as she carried me.
It’s here in all the pieces of my shame
that now I find myself again.
I yearn to belong to something, to be contained
in an all-embracing mind that sees me
as a single thing.
I yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart –
oh let them take me now.
Into them I place these fragments, my life,
and you, God — spend them however you want.
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5: 5-7 (NIV)
As promised …
Preparing to walk away
I am officially a “school mom.” Last week Isabel had her preschool orientation. It was her first day, but parents stayed, too. Today was her first day by herself. We have been looking forward to this day all summer. She was ecstatic! I was a little stressed, wanting to make sure everything was done right – the parking lot, the drop-off, her bag packed properly, every detail. I was so focused on those details, I didn’t prepare myself for walking away. A little detail, but it’s a big one when your first child starts school.
Every parent talks about the difficulties of letting go. I’ve listened and heeded their advice. I’ve tried to take advantage of every moment with my kids, never wishing away a single day. And I continually remind myself these kids do not belong to me; rather, they belong to God. He has entrusted them to me for a short while, but they are not mine. This mindset has been great. I’ve never struggled leaving kids with babysitters or encouraging them to try new things. I parent with an open hand. I did not expect to feel the way I did this morning.
No strength in numbers (Little Laws, Part 2)
Five different law firms have contacted me regarding my “legal difficulties”, my “pending charges”, my “summons” which may lead to “serious penalties … and possible incarceration.” I feel like such a criminal. (Please hear the hint of sarcasm in that statement.) I mean, c’mon! It’s a traffic ticket!
I’ve posted the documentation on our fridge for all to see. It’s my first ticket. I’m proud. Okay, proud is not the word for it. Perhaps “denial” is better. Rick asked me what I planned to do with it. I relayed the instructions the officer gave me. Plead not guilty, then talk to the prosecutor who would grant me grace based on my flawless record. This prevents a fine, raised insurance rates, points on my license and a permanent mark on my record. All I have to do is show up in court. Rick gave me one of his looks, the one that makes me feel as clever as saran wrap and equally transparent. “But you’re guilty.”
“Yeah, I know, but he said –” 
“You’re guilty. Pay the fine.”
We’re all guilty of something. It doesn’t matter if it’s big or it’s little; we’re still guilty. Being guilty is not the problem. Trying to convince ourselves and everyone else we’re not guilty is the problem. We look for loop-holes. We seek to find a way around the consequences. I know I’m guilty. I admit it freely. Hey – I’ve announced it to the world on this website! In spite of my admission, I still want to avoid punishment.
No matter what the offense, we can find many who are eager to help us with our self-denial. These five letters represent more than fifteen attorneys eager to help me look innocent. I’ve been told how easy it is to just “get out of it,” with little or no thought to truth. Everybody does it. It’s not a big deal. I’d be saving myself money! I was convinced. Only one person looked me in the eye and made me face the truth.
Now, I did something wrong and found many who would help me continue to be wrong. This disproportionate support can also exist when we do something right.
I’m currently reading Hearing God’s Voice by Henry and Richard Blackaby. They tell a story of a man who, when he was a teen, felt called to missions. He went on to medical school where he was so successful, he was offered a prestigious position in research after graduation. His friends and family all saw this as God’s blessing. Meanwhile, this young man wasn’t sure. He still felt drawn to missions, but because of the encouragement of all his loved ones, he took the job. Years later, married, with children and settled in a comfortable life, he still wondered about that calling on his life. Had he made the right decision?
Sometimes we’re going down the wrong road. We’ve made mistakes and we need to correct our steps. Sometimes we’re on the right road, but we get distracted by what we see down side streets. In either situation, we will be surrounded by people who want to help us, whether they know what’s right or not. Numbers are irrelevant. God’s ways do not work by “majority rules.” God rules. He’s the only One that matters and that’s all we need to know. Our paths need only follow His. The throng of voices is silenced in the wake of His still, small whisper. So, listen for His voice. It’s subtle, but it’s there. Saturate yourself with His Word and then just listen to be sure you’re walking in truth.
The funny thing is when we walk in truth, those herds of people shouting directions stop and watch. I’m always amazed at people’s reactions when I do something right, but rare — like returning to pay for clothes that were in my bag, but not listed on my receipt or correcting cashiers when they give me too much change. They’re shocked! In this world, people don’t often see the Truth in action. They’ll watch and they’ll respect when they see it. So, go ahead — give ‘em a show.
